A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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What do you call it when Nancy is expecting a baby?

Pregnancy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_a_Sloth_Here
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Someone expecting a baby in 2018 is really living the β€œnew year, new me” mantra.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkovManiac
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I think it’s weird that we call childbirth delivery.

It should have been called takeout instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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My buddy set me up on a blind date

He told me, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby". Well let me tell you, I felt stupid sitting there in the bar wearing just a diaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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My wife must secretly be a dad.

We were listening to the radio when a commercial came on for an event called "Golf for Autism." She turns to me and says, "well that's a shitty prize!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fusion_xgen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2014
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My wife isn't happy I'm practicing my dad jokes early

My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be.

Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday.

Me: But I don't like the name Thursday...

From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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Setting the bar high at our first antenatal class

First antenatal class and we're going round the group with the other expectant first time parents.

Wife: It'll really hit home when we've got the baby in the car on the way back from the hospital

Me: Don't worry, I'll be driving carefully, I certainly won't crash into our own house.

I'm ready for this baby to arrive

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo0709
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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I suppose this is my first official dad joke.

When my wife and I were expecting our son, everyone always wanted to know what we were having. We were waiting until birth to find out the gender so instead of explaining our decision to wait, I always told them "a baby." If they asked me what I wanted my response was "human."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriarSkroob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
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My son got my wife today...

My sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child.


Wife: "We find out what your aunt Ashley is having tomorrow."

My Son: "A baby."

I was speechless and infinitely proud of my son. He takes after me more than I ever expected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MindlessMe13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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