A limousine
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??
Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!
Wife: ...thats not that great.
Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
Noble gases have no reaction.
You are not a loan.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
planetary healthcare?
...but I've got some Trix up my sleeve
Inspired by a recent post here
A siesta is a Spanish intermission
It was a twist ending.
But I am making prophets.
She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!
FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!
Sir Prise
...he said "I think it's starting to grow on me!"
I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...
Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"
"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."
Edit
Obligatory eye roll and groan.
"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"
I pick up the plate and reply, "oh, it's not that heavy!"
Reading a TIL post to a group while chatting after dinner "there are more Puerto Ricans in the USA than there are in Puerto Rico" Dad says "it's the same with Ireland" Me "what more Irish in the US than---" Dad "yea than there are in Puerto Rico" God dammit...
...and she said that it was soon, probably shortly after he assembles his cabinet.
Mr Prime Minister, my wife and I just shop at Ikea, and we can knock out something like that in an hour or two, assuming we have the right tools. I live near you, so let me know if you need any help, but you might want to get started on it; the country's waiting.
"Ya know, Jesus drove a Honda but never liked to talk about it" "What are you talking about??" "Yeah he said 'I do not speak of my own accord.' And then there was Rachel. She lit off her own camel! She was the first woman in the bible to smoke...."
I was sitting at the kitchen counter, eating yogurt. I ask my little brother if he wants a bite. He replies, "Why would I want a bite of old, bacteria ridden milk?" Before I can answer, my dad chimes in: "It's good bacteria. Cultured. They went to the Opera last night."
