Nice, CA.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsjaboilarry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A-merry-ca 'ristmas, reddit

from all of US!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RomanSheep
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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I had to sneeze, so exclaimed "Ca-shew"!

That sneeze was nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redreinard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Dadjoked a friend of mine who recently passed the CA bar exam...

Me: Congrats, but make sure you don't let your clients know about your love of U2.

Friend: Why?

Me: They'll think you're Pro Bono :(.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginbooth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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Whst is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat ?

Chicago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....

Then I realised, it was on paws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?

Because the oignon est!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5hred
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I was eating mixed nuts with my girlfriend

... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"

Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webs7er
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Gesundheit

Guest: No thanks, I’m allergic to nuts.

Host: Which ones?

Guest: cah... cah... CA-SHEWS!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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This one is in spanish, but I’ll translate also!!

ΒΏQuΓ© dijo la gallina de un lado del camino a la gallina del otro lado del camino?

β€œΒ‘PA’CA! Β‘PA’CA!”

English:

What did the chicken on one side of the road say to the chicken on the other side of the road?

β€œOver here! Over here!”

(β€œPa’ca” means β€œover here” in colloquial Spanish)

(I’m of Cuban descent for reference)

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What do you call a nut with a cold?

A ca-SHEWWWWW

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TACKYTUESDAY
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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What did one train engine say to the other that scared him?

CaBOOse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bilbro-swaginz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I got a car in the shape of a bone

It's a Ca-marrow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TickLikesBombs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Which nut sneezes too much?

A ca-shew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Men who date sheep in the late afternoon...

...are just looking for CaSiO3.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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A True Story

So this needs a little backstory.

About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."

Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.

Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.

I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dramboxf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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What did Chewbacca say when he dressed up as Jason Voorhees for Halloween?

CHEW CHEW CHEW BACA CA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatBouss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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What's the chemical formula for laughing gas?

CaCl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bread_Is_Adequate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Helium tried to talk to his friends calcium and aluminium

But they were busy on a CaAl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Help me come up with a pun for work!!!

So I’m going to be in charge of a team for work and I need a punny team name involving one of the following words/phrases.

I want my team to be dinosaur/Jurassic Park themed and my company is called Caption Call.

I need to use something from the following list:

Caption Captioner Callers CA CAs Dictate

For example there’s another team called β€œCaption America”

The best I’ve come up with is β€œveloci-captioners” but it’s a reach...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudleyTheDino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Why do American painters always move to the Southwest?

The prefer CA,NV,AZ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unleashtheducks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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What do you call a recently whacked mob boss?

Al Ca-put

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sioswing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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What does a nut say, when it sneezes?

caSHEW!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isionreddit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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I pulled this one on my French roommate the other day...

He asked me how many eggs I wanted.

I said that one is enough.

He didn't get it. That made it funnier.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RawrYoFace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Getting the bedding down

So, short version of a long story... We lost our home in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire Nov 8, 2018. My wife was on the phone with our daughter who is in college, discussing new bedding for the new house.

They had been at it for quite a while, when I said, "Duvet have anything you like? It would be a sham if they didn't..."

Silence on the phone, then, "dad, just stop."

"Ok," I said, "Just get everything down that you like."

Sigh....

One of my better moments as a dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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"What are the names of all 10 reindeer mentioned in 'Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer'?"

"Well, let me see. There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and ... and... There are only 9 reindeer mentioned in the song."

"Nope. There's 10. You forgot 'Olive'."

"'Olive'? There's not a reindeer named 'Olive'."

"Yes there is. 'β™« Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...β™«'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmyxlplyx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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What do you call an old canoe?

A ca-old

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Wilhelm_II
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”


What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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What do sick people eat?

Ca-shews

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lichorat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2013
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Madness

https://imgur.com/a/0SyCA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sh_ip_int_breif
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Was making roast lamb for dinner and dropped the tray out of the oven .

It was a ca-lamb-ity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/torakwho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
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Propeller Farms

When I was little, some of the first wind farms were going up in CA along 101. Dad would tell us that the "propeller farms" were where new propellers trained before they could be put onto an airplane.

Every once in a while, we saw workers on the hillside pulling one down and he's say, Oh, look! That one graduated!" Yeah, that sold it for us.

Being a good Dad, my own wee young'uns had all been instructed in the ways of propeller farming.

This evening, well over decade later, my daughter starts laughing her ass off and shaking her head. "OMG, Dad. Those are not propeller farms!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kpetrie77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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My mom got me this morning

So I was making breakfast and, for some reason, my mother asked if I knew where Tuscan is. I answered Italy and she said yes and also said that we went there a good while ago. I answered "Ca doit faire mille ans par contre", wich is French for " It's been a thousand years though". Now, you must know that "Mille ans" is pronounced roughly "Mill An". She answered " Yes, we've also been there" and I groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/telepaper
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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Hail joke

Referring to the news channel's explanation of the tornado warning in Sacramento, CA, my dad yelled sarcastically from downstairs:

"Half dollar sized hail!...how much does a piece of hail cost?!"

I could practically hear the look on his face when I didn't respond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michigander47
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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My first dadjoke! And it's a kicker

I go to school in Berkeley, CA, which--to put it lightly--isn't in the running for "Clean City, USA". The other day, I was swapping out my nice expensive shoes for my old tattered street sneakers when my friend asked why I was switching. My dad senses kicked in:

"Could you imagine me walking through the streets of Berkeley in my nice clean dress shoes? The poor soles!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziggaman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Thought I had a winner, but my 5yo got the last word.

Son, in a silly voice: "I'd like another piece of matzah with cream cheese and a-vo-ca-TOE."

Me: I don't think avoca's have toes, ha ha ha.

Son: ....

Me: I was just joking around. It's really "a-vo-ca-DO."

Son: Avoca's don't have dough, either.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoonhocket
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zangywastaken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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This belong here... (xpost from r/charcuterie from r/funny)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoyGreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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