In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Noodle arms > Buff arms
πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tr3sh_B3g
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad fell down the stairs and broke his arm.

He couldn't stop laughing though, it was a humerus situation.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaksev
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend was telling me about the three bones of the arm

It was pretty humerus

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastLeave8770
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
No arms no legs

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs .....at your front door? Matt

...in your swimming pool? Bob

....in your mailbox? Bill

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who is popular with the boys? Hedy

What do you call a woman with no arms and 1 leg? Eileen

What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms and 1 leg? Irene

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaterBoarder1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
According to the second amendment, I have the right to bear arms

Now what do I do about the rest of the animal?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_ZEN0N_
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.

He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."

πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?

A sighborg.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested,

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poshnoshlosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My chair is missing an arm and a leg

And that doesn't sit well with me.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobbert84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who just had his arm torn off?

An ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smiledude94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium

We had to fetch a sturgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarbineCraig
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.

I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, β€œA beer please, ..."

"... and one for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 869
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The right to bear arms
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Z-3-R-0-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do companies prefer people with only one arm instead of people with both arms?

Because people with only one arm can do everything single-handedly

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YATALAX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the one about your arm bone?

It’s very Humerus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreeBeeTurkey014
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...

Man: Do you do fishcakes?

Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.

Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YakDangerous5412
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station. /r/Jokes/comments/m4tpxh/…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...

The conversation was pretty one-sided.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurik-P-DuBs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...

I’m all right.

buh-dum-tsss

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A man with a broken arm made a joke. Everyone started laughing. He was...

humerus

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S3_Spidey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?

A liar.

πŸ‘︎ 483
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
It's the little things that count (also a T-rex's arms)

https://www.instagram.com/standup.trex/

https://preview.redd.it/9449vyyyj4f61.png?width=620&format=png&auto=webp&s=4f5d46a86d95447af0958da58a8583a00398e36f

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mondalengo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you get two more lower arms?

You have forearms

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastLeave8770
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Watching the Superbowl and they mentioned Brady has a good arm.

Bet he could really throw a Tom ato

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoldraven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?

He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.

She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.

Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighbor’s attention.

He must’ve been at deaf’s door.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toboggabug
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw my mate earlier in town. He only has one arm.

"Where are you off to?" I shouted.

"To change a light bulb" he said.

"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.

"Naah", he said. "I still have the receipt."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my chair to put its arms up.

I found some cushion its pocket.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gdspaz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs standing in the windowsill?

...Curt & Rod

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purcy_77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simp_For_WAHHH
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in 2 places

He told me to stop going to those places.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean??

Bob.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEMstone85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a ditch?

Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEMstone85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium

We had to fetch a sturgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarbineCraig
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call s man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/s_tormbringr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates!

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashoverkill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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