In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 08 2021
Noodle arms > Buff arms
π︎ 179
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︎ Apr 17 2021
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
My dad fell down the stairs and broke his arm.
He couldn't stop laughing though, it was a humerus situation.
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 04 2021
My friend was telling me about the three bones of the arm
π︎ 26
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
No arms no legs
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs .....at your front door?
Matt
...in your swimming pool?
Bob
....in your mailbox?
Bill
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who is popular with the boys?
Hedy
What do you call a woman with no arms and 1 leg?
Eileen
What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms and 1 leg?
Irene
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
According to the second amendment, I have the right to bear arms
Now what do I do about the rest of the animal?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 08 2021
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.
He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."
π︎ 213
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested,
He still has the right to remain silent.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
My chair is missing an arm and a leg
And that doesn't sit well with me.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
What do you call a guy who just had his arm torn off?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium
We had to fetch a sturgeon.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, βA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 869
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
The right to bear arms
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Why do companies prefer people with only one arm instead of people with both arms?
Because people with only one arm can do everything single-handedly
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
Have you heard the one about your arm bone?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...
Man: Do you do fishcakes?
Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.
Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...
The conversation was pretty one-sided.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but donβt worry...
Iβm all right.
buh-dum-tsss
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
A man with a broken arm made a joke. Everyone started laughing. He was...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?
π︎ 483
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
It's the little things that count (also a T-rex's arms)
https://www.instagram.com/standup.trex/
https://preview.redd.it/9449vyyyj4f61.png?width=620&format=png&auto=webp&s=4f5d46a86d95447af0958da58a8583a00398e36f
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
What happens when you get two more lower arms?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Watching the Superbowl and they mentioned Brady has a good arm.
Bet he could really throw a Tom ato
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.
She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.
Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighborβs attention.
He mustβve been at deafβs door.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
I saw my mate earlier in town. He only has one arm.
"Where are you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. "I still have the receipt."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I told my chair to put its arms up.
I found some cushion its pocket.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs standing in the windowsill?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
What do you call a man with no arms or legs?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in 2 places
He told me to stop going to those places.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 02 2021
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean??
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a ditch?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium
We had to fetch a sturgeon.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
What do you call s man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
π︎ 57
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
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