Daughter walked into a tree branch today

She said, "leaf me alone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecdoconnor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What military branch is an expert on belly buttons?

The Naval Corps.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Two branch managers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_1dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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A man was beaten to death with a tree branch

It seems he wasn't very poplar, and is now deciduously less alive. If he returns from the dead, he'll definitely be pining for revenge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hello_Hurricane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Just saw two birds stuck together on a branch of a tree...

...A pair of Velcrows obviously.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground...

She immediately raised it above her head and said, β€œThis is a stick up!”

(Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiguelPopsicle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I can’t believe a branch ripped our tent.

It’s tearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TT8L
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Why did the soda-covered branch have lots of friends?

He was a fanta-stick buddy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someoneslostrock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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What did the branch say when he robbed a bank?

This is a STICK-up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gremelinn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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If Pete Buttigieg wins the election, he'll be the first person to move from the judicial branch to the executive.

(Booty Judge)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/powermad47
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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What did the ninth branch of the tree say to the third branch ?

You are my root

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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A once saw a hawk fall off a branch.

Boy, was that hawkward.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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What do you call a tree with it's branch cut off?

An ampu-tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rogue_Professor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smithmonkey98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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A squirrel is sitting on a branch in a pine tree when suddenly he feels the whole tree begin to shake violently.

He looks down and sees that a full-grown elephant is slowly clambering up the tree. When the elephant finally reaches the branch the squirrel asks, "Why on earth did you climb up into this pine tree?!"

The elephant then says, "I came up here to eat some pears, of course."

The squirrel, completely shocked at the elephant's ignorance, exclaims, "You elephants don't know the first thing about trees! This is a PINE tree, there are no pears here."

The elephant then explains, "Oh, I know, I brought my own."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhapsodicRaven
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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[Be sure to say this out loud while reading] Two olives are sitting on a branch

One falls off, the one still on the branch asked β€œare you OK?”

The one the ground said β€œI’ll live”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaturallyFrank
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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Branch manager and assistant to the branch manager
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakdehi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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The Spanish branch of Microsoft worked on a successor to MS-DOS for years

Sadly, MS-TRES never became popular.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Re4l1ty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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In the movie Avatar, ever notice Jake was in the wrong branch of the military?

That's why he joined the Na'vi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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How do carve an arrow shaft from a tree branch?

A whittle at a time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamXII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder

Thanks to /u/Redpike136 for the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_jiffy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Granite Branch

So my friend got a job managing a branch for a granite company. And whilst telling my father he dadjoked me pretty hard.

Me: Ya he is managing a granite branch or something.

Dad: Well then, I was not aware that granite grew on trees...

Needless to say i wasn't expecting it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAllMightyGulb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2014
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Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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