I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.
I only wanted to rough him up a bit.
How did a car crash victim get rid of his anger issues?
He was temper errorly disabled
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?
Darth Ritis.
Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.
Police are investigating a murder in which the victim was shot with a starters pistol.
The police think it's race-related.
Why was the eye doctor called for the comatose gunshot victim?
Why did the Cannibal cut up his victims with an icicle?
He preferred cold cuts on his sandwiches.
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
I have one question for victims of ninjas...
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
Many French guillotine victims had their heads
Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim
Where do you take someone who has been the victim of a Peek-a-boo accident?
The victim of accident hasn't got good...
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.
"This concludes my probaballistic report."
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?
They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.
Why did the cannibalistic Roman slave warrior show no remorse over his recent female victim?
Because he was gladiator.
What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?
Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.
Did you hear about the psychopath who put cyanide in his victim's cornflakes?
They said he was a cereal killer
My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.
So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.
After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...
Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen?
Me: On the ceiling.
Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on?
Me: With a light switch.
Niece: Where is the light switch?
Me: On the wall.
Niece: Which wall?
Me: The one with the switch.
She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.
Heard about the Librarian who fell victim to falling bookshelves?
Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.
Help end Premature Draculation.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"
The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:
"Irony," he replied.
The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.
The police are saying that he’s still at large.
What unit of measurement does a serial killer use to weigh its victims ?
"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
When telling dad jokes/puns, do you prefer your victims to laugh or groan?
I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.
Why do vampires suck blood from their victim’s jugular?
Because they are neck romantic.
Just found a victim of hit and run in a parking lot. Crime is unbearable.
Why did the burglar shower at his victim’s home
He wanted a clean getaway
How did the ant serial killer cleanly dispose of his victim’s bodies?
He dissolved them in antacid.
Ba-dum… tsss!
What did the vampire say to the victim?
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...
Yes, he left a pauper trail.
What did the polite cannibal say to his victim?
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