I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.

I only wanted to rough him up a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anytime200
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
How did a car crash victim get rid of his anger issues?

He was temper errorly disabled

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark5301
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Police are investigating a murder in which the victim was shot with a starters pistol.

The police think it's race-related.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the eye doctor called for the comatose gunshot victim?

He had a Glock coma

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drfantabulo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Cannibal cut up his victims with an icicle?

He preferred cold cuts on his sandwiches.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinrakettunen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

πŸ‘︎ 495
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I have one question for victims of ninjas...

..Who hurt you?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged everyday.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Many French guillotine victims had their heads

[Removed]

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim

Snap crackle pop

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaClassyPancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you take someone who has been the victim of a Peek-a-boo accident?

The I C U

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kildar13x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The victim of accident hasn't got good...

comaback.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majxar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cannibalistic Roman slave warrior show no remorse over his recent female victim?

Because he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toxic_turtle2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the psychopath who put cyanide in his victim's cornflakes?

They said he was a cereal killer

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vegetable-Pea
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Heard about the Librarian who fell victim to falling bookshelves?

He literally died

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chadimus_Prime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.

When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"

The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:

"Irony," he replied.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BholeFire
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The police are saying that he’s still at large.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What unit of measurement does a serial killer use to weigh its victims ?

Kill-o-grams !

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinterDad32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.

"I sea," said Aquaman

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...

He's a mad keeler!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When telling dad jokes/puns, do you prefer your victims to laugh or groan?

I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.

πŸ‘︎ 384
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBootyBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Why do vampires suck blood from their victim’s jugular?

Because they are neck romantic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CliCol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Just found a victim of hit and run in a parking lot. Crime is unbearable.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fasterthan3E8mps
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the burglar shower at his victim’s home

He wanted a clean getaway

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jusrile
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the ant serial killer cleanly dispose of his victim’s bodies?

He dissolved them in antacid.

Ba-dum… tsss!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekabis
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the vampire say to the victim?

Don't be O-, B+

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Delt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.

They are looking for a cereal killer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?

His Shoe

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pratik007789
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the polite cannibal say to his victim?

It’s nice to meat you!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simm4582
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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