What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged everyday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim

Snap crackle pop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaClassyPancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Wouldn't be surprised to learn Elon Musk to leads a mercenary team of tesla employees who bite victims to spread coronavirus

They are called the Flu Flux Fang!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/16thPeregrine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Where do you take someone who has been the victim of a Peek-a-boo accident?

The I C U

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kildar13x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Many French guillotine victims had their heads

[Removed]

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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The victim of accident hasn't got good...

comaback.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majxar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Did you hear about the psychopath who put cyanide in his victim's cornflakes?

They said he was a cereal killer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vegetable-Pea
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Why did the cannibalistic Roman slave warrior show no remorse over his recent female victim?

Because he was gladiator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toxic_turtle2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Heard about the Librarian who fell victim to falling bookshelves?

He literally died

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chadimus_Prime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.

When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"

The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:

"Irony," he replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BholeFire
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.

"I sea," said Aquaman

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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What unit of measurement does a serial killer use to weigh its victims ?

Kill-o-grams !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinterDad32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The police are saying that he’s still at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...

He's a mad keeler!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Why do vampires suck blood from their victim’s jugular?

Because they are neck romantic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CliCol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why did the burglar shower at his victim’s home

He wanted a clean getaway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jusrile
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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How did the ant serial killer cleanly dispose of his victim’s bodies?

He dissolved them in antacid.

Ba-dum… tsss!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekabis
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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When telling dad jokes/puns, do you prefer your victims to laugh or groan?

I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBootyBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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What did the vampire say to the victim?

Don't be O-, B+

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Delt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Just found a victim of hit and run in a parking lot. Crime is unbearable.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fasterthan3E8mps
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?

His Shoe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pratik007789
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.

They are looking for a cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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What did the polite cannibal say to his victim?

It’s nice to meat you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simm4582
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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Why does the Grim Reaper ignore the screaming of his victims?

He's Death

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faetterjens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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What did the murderer with an axe for their hand say to their victim?

Don’t worry I won’t lay a finger on you but my axe on the other hand will!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/panzerjess
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Cop 1: You really think the murderer will come back to visit the body of his victim?

Dad Cop: Remains to be seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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I'm the latest victim.

I was trying on some really old pants, and this particular pair of pants were fucking tight. Like, squeeze my soul out tight.

I remarked- " Good god, when did we buy these? 1947? (I usually say this when I'm talking about something old. Independence and whatnot)

And my dad goes " Yeah. Your gramps passed it on to me, and now its yours. That's why they're called Jeans."

My mom got annoyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maheshkumar94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
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A really bad cold has been making its way around my office. The latest victim just started coughing today.

Him: "Nah, I'm not getting sick. It's all in the head. Like allergies. I used to be allergic to pistachios, but now I'm not!" starts eating some pistachios

Me: "Did you really used to be allergic to them?"

Him: "No, of course not. That would be nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/01hair
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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I frequently dad joke my lab, I hid this one in a procedure room for my next unfortunate victim. (X-post from r/labrats)

Sorry, this one only works as a picture: http://imgur.com/a/JwNOc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuropean
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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My mum fell victim to one of my dad's jokes today...

So my mum mentioned that a few light bulbs had blown in the house. She then asked if my dad would pick up some bulbs next time he was out. His reply... " It's a bit early for bulbs... I think March is when you want to plant them..." Just wow, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopy888
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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