Has anyone met a covid-19 survivor?

You get a lot of positive vibes from them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Why are the members of the Titanic survivors’ support group so close?

Everyone was in same boat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_adamnguyen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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What did the survivor say when he realized the monster was no longer after him?

Wendigo?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilSandwichMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Survivors of cannibals started a movement

MeatToo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GEEZusChristman
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Did you hear about the new tv show in Mexico based off Survivor?

It’s called β€œ There can only be Juan”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emn100
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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Two cannibals find a shipwreck survivor and decide to split him for dinner...

They agree to start at the feet and work their way up. After 20 minutes, the first cannibal asks his friend, "How're you doing?" His friend replies "Oh, I'm having a ball", to which the first cannibal exclaims "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryJertheim
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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Survivors of Dad Jokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoonerE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2015
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Dad Joke Survivors (video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6_dJDPgac0

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkeegan123
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 749
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?

β€œI guess I’m the sole survivor”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungry-Hippo_3124
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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A ship carrying purple paint ran into a ship carrying brown paint.

The survivors were marooned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBelpit68
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks about…

…the other four letters?

πŸ‘︎ 571
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Eye of the tiger
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.

He was the sole survivor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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A red ship and a blue ship crashed

The survivors were left marooned

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eggycrunchyb0b
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Just over halfway

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellsForPShells
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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So there's a cemetery next to a block of flats.

Why aren't the residents of that block of flats allowed to be buried in that cemetery?

Because they're not dead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobba77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
🚨︎ report
A massacre occurred one day in the town hall....

Everybody wearing Polo, Nike, Ralph Lauren, ect. was killed. After the cops came the they found one survivor and asked him " How'd you survive son?"

"I was wearing under-armor" he replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddis76
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2016
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French plane crash

Did you hear about the French plane crash?

They searched the wreckage for survivors but all they found was de brie...

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickyyfingers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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We were all watching titanic last night, and my dad lets this one rip...

We're watching the part near the end where the one lifeboat goes back to search for survivors, and everyone's frozen to death and just floating around the ocean. In the midst of this somber, haunting moment, my dad turns to me and says, "A lot of people named bob, huh?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keanureevesnose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
The best date ever?

I'm a female and my dad asked what I was doing this past Saturday night.

Me: "I'm going to see that movie Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg!" Dad: "Wow! You got a date with Marky Mark? I'm impressed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClearlyClarified
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem.

Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, "MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS!"

He continued on, "So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax?" Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his "workbench" and "inventory." Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.

Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, "Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes."

I love that woman so very much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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The Man, the Sheep and the Dog

a man, a sheep and a dog are the only survivors of a shipwreck and get marooned on a desert island with more than enough food. days, weeks and months pass and the only thing the can look forward to on the island everyday is the beautiful sunset! every evening the man, the sheep and the dog go and watch the sunset... one day the man attempted to put his arm around the sheep and the dog goes crazy so he has to retract his arm. he angrily exclaims "I was just cuddling!" the next evening they are back on the beach and the man sees something out to sea... after further investigation he sees it is a unconscious woman on a raft! the man swims out and rescues the woman, takes her to shore and nurses her back to health they begin chatting and get on incredibly well, she was a beautiful young woman with a great sense of humour. the next evening the man, the woman, the sheep and the dog go to the beach to watch the sunset as per usual... whilst sitting on the beach the woman looked up at the man, and he looked back at her. she says how can I ever repay you? the man then says "you can you take the dog for a walk?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frzr-csgo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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My dad's go-to riddle.

A plane crashed directly on the border of USA and Canada.

Where were the survivors buried?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackOfTheHearse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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The train breaks down in the DDR.

A train traveling through the DDR is carrying Stalin, Krushchev, and Breznev through the Urals. It breaks down.

Stalin lines up the crew of the train, the local villagers, and the passengers, and shoots every 5th person.

Krushchev lines up the survivors and gives them a rousing speech about how much better Soviet trains will run in 7 years.

Breznev sits back down, pulls the blind shut, bounces up and down in his seat, and pretends the train is still running.

The DDR politburo votes themselves out of office because the train won't run.

:D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
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My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/error-div_by_zero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
Survivors of Dad Jokes

https://youtu.be/lfrO8ASizDQ

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoisirrelephant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Survivors of Dad Jokes

I think you all will appreciate this video for Dad Joke Survivors

http://youtu.be/p6_dJDPgac0

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellbr08
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Survivors of Dad Jokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6_dJDPgac0

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: A red ship and a blue ship have collided in the Caribbean...

...apparently, the survivors are marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkay1911
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
🚨︎ report
A red ship and a blue ship crashed.

At last report, the survivors were marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YetiFromJersey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trinzia
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two ships that collided the other day? One was carrying blue paint and one was carrying red paint

All the survivors were marooned...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yabyum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the red cruise ship and blue cruise ship that collided in the Caribbean?

The survivors were marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report

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