"I really missed him."
I guess you could make some Glockamole.
Because they are rolling in the dough..
Because he hates Waldemart.
"It's great that they have clothes for both expecting parents"
How could anyone stoop so low?
We shot the breeze.
Since they are such a good retailer
Because they have a tractor beam.
He bought and Icee
I told my wife this and then showed her this that I found on a recent trip to Target.
Dad: men swear only when they stub their toes on a table.
So I just had surgery and one of my restrictions is that I can't lift anything heavier than 20 lbs. Was at the Target today with the wife to return a lamp that she had purchased but then decided she didn't like. She parked the SUV and I opened the back to carry the lamp on the store. She said "What are you doing? You aren't supposed to lift anything!" I replied, "But it's light!"
Got the triple whammy. The groan, eye roll, and disgusted walk away from me and into the store. Had to carry the lamp, but it was worth it.
It really hits the spot!
when she slipped and fell on her butt. She got up and brushed it off and my husband asked her if she was ok. When she said yes he replied, "are you sure? Because it looks like your butt has a crack."
Instant eye roll.
"Don't spend it all in one place"
It's called Pair a' Shooters
My friends tell me that it suits me well.
LB: Why are the soda dispensers out of order?
Me: Something is broken and it hasn't been fixed yet.
LB: But they can just reorganize it!
I was buying Goat Simulator as a gag gift for a friend. The cashier looks at it and I smile uncomfortably. He says, "Don't be sheepish about buying this".
He runs ahead of me, stops, turns around, and stands there waiting for me to catch up.
"I just got a great preview...of you walking down the aisle to me."
Gonna make a great dad someday.
No one knows, it was a mist opportunity.
I didn't think it was that cute
A little girl at Target is repeatedly meowing "Meow Meow Meow Meow." She's been at it for ~5 minutes.
Her dad says
"Hi Ow, I'm dad."
He says "Oh, I thought you were saying 'Me ow' like 'I'm Ow.'"
She went right back to meowing. She must not have appreciated it.
Waitress: . . . and my name's Jillian, if you need me.
Me: What's your name if we don't need you?
Background: my friend and I had been trying on sunglasses for a trip we're going on and were going to checkout at the store...
Him: "I wish there were some form of self-checkout here"
Me: "Well... There were some mirrors back there by the sunglasses"
He was not amused.
They talked for a few hours while cleaning the store, and find a few isles that are way beyond "dirty". They decided to have a match. Whoever finishes their half of the area is deemed best janitor. Before they started, one of them scoffs and says, "I'ma wipe the floor with you"
I'm buying a few shirts, and he can't find the tag on one. He finally pulls it out of one of the sleeves and hits me with:
I've always got something up my sleeves
He makes eye contact with his mouth agape, chuckling.
As I'm getting into my dad's truck, I hit my knee on the glove compartment.
Dad: What did you hit?
Me: (guestures to the glove compartment) I just kneed this!
Dad: …but it's mine.
Dad: They must be having a fire sale.
Me: do you want to look at anything while we're here?
Daughter: umm, no I don't want to see anything
Me: then you should probably close your eyes!
Apparently he's into mass murder.
We had to pick up paper towels, and my wife had stopped and was looking at a couple packages.
Her: "I'm trying to see the difference between these two."
Me: "One is plain white, the other has prints."
Me: singing "Purple stain, purple stain.."
She quickly walked to a different section of the store.
Wife: I'm looking for a wireless nursing bra. Help me find one.
Me: So you want something that comes with WiFi?
Wife: Go wait in the car...
When I saw these pens and pointed out to my fiancé how pointless they are. Everyone in the aisle groaned.
Two dad jokes in target.
My wife calls and asks "did you remember to buy milk?"
I replied "I'll give you two guesses!"
Then the cashier asked of I wanted milk in a bag and I said "nah let's keep it in the carton, thanks"
I take my daughter into target, and tell her if she is good, she can pick a snack.
Well, the first thing in there is the snack counter, and she says "I pick popcorn!"
I tell her "No, you pick regular corn, and then pop it".
And our deep freezer is extremely cold.... i was back stocking some ice cream and my ear lobes had gotten hard for some reason..... i looked over at my fellow team member and said "hey man wanna feel my earection?" To which he replied "you mean your bonear?"
My wife, daughter, and I were shopping for gifts for a baby shower and were checking out after getting what we needed. My wife handed the list to the cashier so should could scan the barcode and here is what happened next:
Me: Oh, you scan that so it shows what has been bought?
Me: I didn't know that. Only thing I've ever bought for a shower is an umbrella.
Cashier laughed, wife just rolled her eyes....