I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.
It was too time consuming.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.
Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!
Son: "Dad, what are condoms used for ?"
Dad: "To avoid such questions."
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.
I just couldn't, hack it.
Because I didn't have the, chops.
So they, gave me the axe.
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
I used to be scared of speed bumps.
I’m slowly getting over it
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
When I first started learning how to drive, I used to be afraid of speed bumps.
But slowly, I got over it.
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But they fired me for taking a couple of days off
I used to hate facial hair...
I used to...
lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was.
Do you know what 50 Cent used to do every time he got hungry
I used to date three coconuts but had to break up with them
They were a little shy for my liking
My dad used to annoy me with bird puns.
But now I realize toucan play that game.
During dinner, I turned to my wife and said, “I used to be grapes.”
She said, “Huh?”
Me: Sorry. That must have been the wine talking.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I used to have an addiction stealing road signs
But then I kept on getting signs telling me to stop
I used to love fishing with my son.
Oh well!! I guess I'll have to find something else to use as bait now.
Hell used to be an island
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
are there any Sheep Puns that could be used to name a Sheep?
Names such as:
Baa-bara
Wool Smith
EWE-NICE
Brittney Shears
John Sebastian Baach
I used to not like my body hair
I’ve got a device consisting of a circular canopy of pink fish on a folding metal frame supported by a central rod, used as protection against rain.
Now I have salmonella.
(I’m sorry, it’s a fishy joke)
I used to be a Flat Earther.
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
My dad always used to say ‘out with the old and in with the new’.
Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer...
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I used to be a man stuck inside a womans body....
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though
It was just one ting after another.
So I used to own a rabbit farm.
You know I would raise these super cute fluffy bunnies!
People would always ask me how it was: was it relaxing, fun, nice, a bore etc...?
I would always respond that it was honestly terrifying, like really scary.
People in bewilderment would always say: "what? scary? how can that be??"
I would respond: "well, it was hare raising"
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
I used to be a magician, but there was an explosion in my equipment
My audience was blown away
Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'
I used to dig trenches under roads for a living
but I had to quit because it was just boring.
"I used to hate facial hair..."
"but then it grew on me."
I used to hate facial hair
I used to hate body hair...
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