He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Those who can count, and those who can not.
(Another post reminded me of this. The great grandfather of mine in question passed away 4 years ago. He also always used to tell me “water is for bathing, always remember that” while he drank a glass of anything alcoholic. Funny thing is he only drank like one small glass a day. Sorry for rambling).
Because he was never there.
But then they built an older one
It was a shitty situation.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
He was an oxymoron.
Now I am an air conditioner.
i
But it's really growing on me.
But I’ve grown out of it.
You boil the hell out of it.
https://imgur.com/gallery/87MbnGu
He didn’t wear women’s clothing, he just got annoyed when he changed his outfit
It was unbeeleavable
“I’d take the bread from that pile and pile it over there.”
Billy was terrible at his job and constantly messed up. I told him that the next time he messed up, I would have everyone stand side by side and they would all punch him as he walked by.
I obviously meant it as a joke, but he took it seriously.
I'd tell you about how he got better at his job after that, but long story short, he missed the punchline.
It's an oartoebiography.
I'd lost my Marples
... but she was holding me back.
I know this for a fact, because she always used to call me her 60 second lover.
... But she had too many issues.
on any unexpected car ride
Me: "Dad, where are we going?"
Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.
Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH
Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.
me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"
Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"
Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".
Me:"Pop, can you make me a hot dog?" Pop:"Poof, you're a hotdog."
It's called Resume Writing
..they'll never sell any ice creams going that fast...
"Do you have coffee"
Waitress: "Yes"
"How much are refills?"
Waitress: "free"
"I'll have a refill"
We went on a date.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because of Art.
Me: Who's Art?
Dad: Norm's brother.
Me: Who's Norm?
Dad: Art's brother.
Me: Who are they?
Dad: Brothers.
Pretty sure that did a good job of getting me beyond asking the original 'why'.
I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.
Me - "Dad, I'm bored" Dad - "Well at least your not plank"
So I use to see this girl named Lindsey Theresa Elderwood. All her friends called her LTE. I kept trying to take her out to the mountains, but she just didn't think we could connect out there like we do in the city.
Titled "Assault" http://imgur.com/P8vQXfo
Driving past a cemetery
Dad points to cemetery
You hear about that place? I hear people are just dying to get into there...
Whenver I ask my dad for anything this would be his response:
Me: "Hey dad, could you pass me a napkin?"
Him: "I sure can!" (Followed by a stare and no movement)
Me: "So can I get that napkin?"
Him: "You most definitely can"
It was the greatest mixture of annoyance and dad humor that used to urk me to no end but looking back at it one that I will definitely use on my kids.
Me- "I'm Thirsty"
Grandad - "Hi Thirsty, I'm Friday, wanna get together Saturday and have a sundae"
God, I miss that man.
"Quiet kids. We're driving in a deaf child area!"
My truck has a passenger side airbag, but only when your Mom is riding with me.
We'd be talking about renting a movie, someone suggests a particular one, someone else asks "what's that about?" My dad, without fail: "'Bout an hour and a half."
I was giving my daughter a bath, she has foam letters and numbers in the bath with her. I put the number 4 on her head and say "Hey wife, check out her 4 head."
Got a groan then she took a picture to share.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS
Him: Does your face hurt?
Me: No, why?
Him: cuz it's killin me
Someone would walk into class with "pre-ripped" jeans on.
Teacher: Oh hey, wearing your golf pants today?
Student: What? What do you mean?
Teacher: Your golf pants! They got 18 holes!
http://imgur.com/9yc1fk8
Two cannibals are eating a guy, one starts at the top, the other at the bottom. The guy at the top says to the one at the bottom "How ya doin' buddy?". The guy at the bottom says "Havin' a ball". The top guy says "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
balls
I would be sitting at the breakfast table eating my breakfast. He would grab a banana from the counter. Every time, EVERY time, he would put it against my back like a gun and say, "One false move and the monkey gets it!"
This is what I got him for Christmas this year:
http://i.imgur.com/3luzi1J.jpg
Me: hey dad, you know what?
Dad: yeah I know what, it's a 4 letter word, starts with w
Dad: Did you hear how the guy who sang the song, "On The Road Again", died?
Me: No dad
Dad: He was hit by a car
We were going to a sushi restaurant named Naan (pronounced "non"). He asked me to see if there were any Groupons for it. I checked, but there weren't any. He proceeds to say, "Would you say...there are naan?"
...they only put the music on when they've run-out of ice creams...no point in going out there...
"Looks like you're a pretty fart smeller... er, smart feller." Oh, dad.
..they'll never sell any ice creams going that fast...
