I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
My dad always used to say ‘out with the old and in with the new’.
Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer...
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though
It was just one ting after another.
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
I used to be a flat earther. I even set out to sail across the ocean to find the big ice wall.
But eventually I came around.
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I used to think diabetes was a pain in the butt
But it turns out to be more of a pain the the fingers.
Did you know the big dipper used to be part of the zodiac?
It was too confusing though. Everyone was like, "what's ursine?"
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
Used to never be able to use the wifi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
do you think the builders used a pic for reference?
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
I don't seem to have the enthusiasm to break wind like I used to
In fact, the last few were very half-farted
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...
...but now I think it's growing on me."
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:
Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
There was a lumberjack who moonlighted as a serial killer. He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is why he was so prolific.
Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.
I used to know the name of a dessert where you pour espresso over a scoop of ice cream.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"
Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free? Now it’s $1.50
I used to make artificial foliage for the movie industry,
until I got fired for barking up the wrong tree.
I remember the first time I used a dictionary...
It was a defining moment in my life.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight out of the fridge
But then I quit cold turkey.
Did you hear about the pirate who had a sword he only used on women?
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear.
The other is a very good year
My uncle's friend won the Olympic gold with an epee made from a disposable thin metal sheet often used in cooking...
It was a good aluminum foil
Archaeologists found traces of Trinitrotoluene in a T-Rex skeleton. Scientists have since determined that T-Rex's muscles used the compound to function.
I wondered if I’d ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to
I used to be blind but I cured it. My wife was the first person I saw
It was love at first sight.
I used to know a mushroom named Gus who was a blast to hang out with. That changed the day his girlfriend left him.
She said she preferred 2 fun-guy over one fun-Gus.
My pizza cutter broke the other day so I used an old Bryan Adams CD
I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
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