I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
I used to hate facial hair
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?
Used to never be able to use the wifi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I used to be really bad at geometry.
But thankfully I’ve turned that situation around 360 degrees
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...
...but now I think it's growing on me."
I used to be addicted to soap
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
They used to say America was a democracy.
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect....
Then they fried me for no raisin.
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
I used to date a microbiologist.
She was a woman of culture.
I used to know how to throw a boomerang
It's not coming back to me now.
I used to be a soap addict
I used to eat clocks
But it’s to time consuming
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...
I had to quit cold turkey.
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people
It was a rare medium, but well done
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot
It got so bad I had to take his bike away
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
Hehe
I used to make artificial foliage for the movie industry,
until I got fired for barking up the wrong tree.
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.
I thanked him for being so transparent.
I used to think employers valued their workers, until yesterday when I worked a full day, but only got paid twenty cents. I see my boss entirely differently now after that.
It was a real paradigm shift.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
I used to be so confused about everything but now I'm not sure.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
I used to get told off about calling people out
Now I just use their names.
I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
I used to only pass gas on Democrats, but now I pass gas on Republicans too.
I guess that makes me bifartisan.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it...
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My billy goat used to eat empty cans of adhesive..
But now he’s glue tin free.
I used to share weed with my friend
You could call it a trance-plant
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper
And now I'm paying for it.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
My pal used to think he was a chocolate orange....
So in the end, we had to have him sectioned.
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
I used to be addicted to soap
It used to be taboo to talk about plastic surgery.
Now if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
Air used to be free and now it’s 1.75 you know why?
Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free? Now it’s $1.50
I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight out of the fridge
But then I quit cold turkey.
I used to be addicted to soap
Air used to be free at gas stations, now it's $1.50. Know why?
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything
I never used to like facial hair
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