My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesnβt need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
π︎ 12k
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︎ Oct 22 2020
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I turned off the fan because I was a bit cold...
I wonder why everyone else on the helicopter is panicking?
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.
If one store goes down, they will all go down.
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 20 2020
"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"
π︎ 36
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︎ Dec 20 2020
What does a person who is turned on by tall buildings have?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...
...but now I think it's growing on me."
π︎ 83
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︎ Nov 29 2020
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 16 2020
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My Tinder date turned out to be shorter than his bio said.
I guess he was telling some tall tales.
π︎ 46
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
A fog rolled in and turned my car into gold!
Must have been an alche-mist.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cupβ¦
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks
I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
The tides have turned
π︎ 118
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
βIβve teaβd myself!β
Proud hubby here!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
π︎ 99
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
My grandma turned 102 today...
When I asked her, "Whats your secret?"
She looked me straight in the eyes and said, " God is punishing me."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
How the tables have turned
π︎ 301
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
The other day, I thought my blue car had turned red
But it was just a pigment of my imagination
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, βHey, you missed a rightβ.
I said, βThanks babe. You MRS. right.β
π︎ 35
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
What did the cop turned invigilator say during an exam?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
i turned left on the wrong street while driving...
too late i found the error of my waze.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?π€
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Here's a math joke:My friend said he turned into y=1/x...
but I think he was just being hyperbolic
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
The Tide has turned
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
When my Grandad turned 60, I told him to run a mile a day.
Now heβs 72 and I donβt know where he is.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?
Because they were all married but you
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Whether you supported Obama or not, his presidency turned the US into an obamanation.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
So it turned out the woman next door is a nudist.
Iβm on the fence about it.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. βWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.β...
βWow!β I said. βWas it some big corporation?β
βNo.β He replied, βI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
What do you call a preist turned lawyer?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
My dog turned 3 today
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 08 2020
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 26 2020
Oh, How the Tides Have Turned
π︎ 51
π
︎ Jan 26 2020
I just turned 18 so now I shouldnβt need my glasses anymore
Iβm still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jun 25 2019
My son turned 27, so he's no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
π︎ 75
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︎ Apr 23 2020
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
π︎ 79
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
π︎ 950
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
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