A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....

I can't believe it's not better.

πŸ‘︎ 969
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can’t believe it’s not better.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.

But it's too late....she sank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What's the difference between a bath tub and an alligator?

(Dad waits for the common response: "I don't know, what?")

Then I'd advice you to never take a bath.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twozon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What did the Tibetan Monk say when he saw Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mayorodoyle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week

And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_problem69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What does a Rastafarian use to keep his beer cool in the hot tub?

A jah-koozie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsblues
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Scientists recently performed an experiment to figure out the gender of an ant. They would place them in a tub of water.

If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuttsMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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What do you call the German man that fell into a tub of disinfectant?

Hans-anitizer

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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My two year old in the tub

Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."

He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenjaminKorr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I dared to ask my wife why she is ordering a giant tub of Whiteout from Amazon.

Big mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Someone hit my leg with a tub of lard.

Honestly, I'm just glad it wasnt a butternut squash.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kayneargand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I found my son sleeping in a tub of peas.

β€œMay he rest in peas,” i said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myusernamesthis-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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What did the monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a margarine tub?

I can't believe it's not Buddah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShibbleNibble
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Harriet TUB-man
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πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Two dudes chilling in a hot tub 5 feet apart cause they're

Responsible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Today at work, I took a dish collector tub into the walk-in with me. I realized, most restaurants fridges can't even fit a car.

Yet, I just fit a bus in here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thoxis1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?

He said β€œi cant believe its not Buddha”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/basecamp13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tub of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tunafish. as for the tub of glue, i knew you would get stuck on that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastStrudelz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Call a plumber. The tub is all pugged up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystyry
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout.

Big mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 264
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wife’s hair care products.

It was a shampoop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fungiinmygarden
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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What did the monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in his margarine tub?

I can't believe it's not buddha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/natulm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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What’s the difference between a piano, tuna, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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What makes a bath tub get really hot?

A Shower Head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FragmentedAll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What did the man say to the kid who left a tub of Fluorine on his yard

Get the F off my lawn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientDestructor
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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What did the bee in the hot tub say?

Swarm in here!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Today I walked in on my wife taking a bath in a tub full of mouthwash

I caught her in the act

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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6 Dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy

So happy got out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mangosmakemesick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Did you hear about the man who was murdered in the tub?

It was a bloodbath.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kattattak_76
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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I regret asking my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue

She still isn’t talking to me

PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AjIsMySlave
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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The other day, I ran into the ocean holding a tub of salsa

I was just taking a dip in the sea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tempsilon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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Top ten reasons you shouldn't use your computer in the tub

Number 1 will shock you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whybotherr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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Two bears are sitting in a tub.

The polar bear dissolves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImmortalVoddoler
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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Jacuzzis and Hot Tubs...

are like two pees in a pond

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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I was in my backyard in the hot tub last night enjoying the views of the incoming lightning storm not thinking of the danger.

And then it struck me....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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What did the Italian say to the Frenchman that farted in the hot tub?

J’acuzzi!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proftora
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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What do you call a hot tub full of chicken prostitutes?

A broth-el.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVerjan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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If you hurl allegations from the hot tub...

are you in a j'accuse-i?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fishercook
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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Two monkeys in a bath tub

The first monkey says "ooh ooh aah aah"

The second replies "put some cold in then"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackere24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My friend was told to use a margarine tub as a protective cup...

...but he was afraid he'd get a knob of butter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RafflesEsq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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How do you get a horse out of the tub?

You pull the plug!

-Thanks Dad...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Red_Tannins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout.

Big mistake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tub of glue

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eluceadtenebras
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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