Do you know the hit Ramones song that was originally about inner tubing?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
I phone, you tube. We talk.
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︎ May 19 2020
From all tubed meat I have tasted, this one was really bad.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...
It'd make cents off so many levels.
/edit:rephrased punchline
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︎ Feb 29 2020
Archimedes was sat around thinking of names for the fluid expulsion tube in the human body. Suddenly, he knew the perfect name, stood up, and shouted-
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︎ Feb 26 2020
The headline writer for this article had waited years for this moment. Though it is rumoured his final idea came to him on the tube...
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englandβ¦
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︎ Jan 12 2020
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientistβs test tube.
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︎ Jun 30 2019
Whatβs the advantage to being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
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︎ Nov 01 2019
I didn't know test tubes were this colourful.
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︎ Sep 03 2018
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
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︎ Aug 25 2019
What did the duck say to the cashier when he bought a tube of lipstick?
Can you put it on my bill?
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︎ Jun 03 2019
I finally purchased a new tube of Fixodent Denture Adhesive Cream for my wife and me!
It was good to strengthen our bond.
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︎ Sep 26 2019
"I've got ants" "Oh yeah, well I've got taller ants"
"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"
"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"
"I've got... Bread"
"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"
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︎ Aug 16 2020
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
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︎ May 14 2019
If Apple made a car...
...would it have windows?
My daughter saw this joke on YouTube and I thought yβall would appreciate it.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
If soft drinks came long, thin, wooden tubes, it would be fantastick.
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︎ May 27 2019
What do you call a piece of tube-shaped pasta that watched too much anime?
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︎ Jan 19 2018
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube Iβve ever seen.
Next time, Iβll ask for teethpaste.
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︎ Dec 01 2018
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London tube
He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes
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︎ Feb 10 2019
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isnβt talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
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︎ Nov 16 2018
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
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︎ Nov 15 2018
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
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︎ Jan 07 2020
I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...
We should definitely make America grate again.
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︎ Aug 12 2016
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
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︎ Jul 29 2020
In The Matrix, Neo's mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
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︎ Dec 03 2019
A duck walked into a drugstore to buy a tube of chapstick. he told the cashier:
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︎ Aug 12 2017
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
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︎ Apr 14 2016
Isn't the tube that carries sperm from the testicle essentially doing pretty much the same job as the testicle itself?
Nope. There's a vas deferens.
(For those who skipped HS Biology - NSFW)
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︎ May 06 2018
Dad joke solidarity on the tube today
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
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︎ Apr 27 2014
Coffee went down the wrong tube at breakfast.
Hey dad are you alright?
Yeah, but that sure was some strong cough-ee!
DAD!!!
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︎ Jul 11 2015
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
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︎ Mar 31 2020
I got my wife with this one...
Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasnβt right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.
Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?
Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?
Wife: Upset? No. Why?
Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.
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︎ Jul 19 2019
Got my friend on the tube
Him: "Should we take this way out or that way out?"
Me: "That way out looks way out"
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︎ Mar 02 2015
Overheard a family group on the tube...
...wife mentions getting off at Barking.
"That's where all the dogs live."
Goes completely over his young kids head, wife gives him the 'you're an idiot' stare.
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︎ Oct 05 2014
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
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︎ Nov 04 2019
What did the tire say to the inner tube?
I got you covered my totally tubular friend.
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︎ Mar 04 2014
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