Do you know the hit Ramones song that was originally about inner tubing?
I phone, you tube. We talk.
From all tubed meat I have tasted, this one was really bad.
My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...
It'd make cents off so many levels.
/edit:rephrased punchline
Archimedes was sat around thinking of names for the fluid expulsion tube in the human body. Suddenly, he knew the perfect name, stood up, and shouted-
The headline writer for this article had waited years for this moment. Though it is rumoured his final idea came to him on the tube...
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england…
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
What’s the advantage to being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
I didn't know test tubes were this colourful.
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
What did the duck say to the cashier when he bought a tube of lipstick?
Can you put it on my bill?
I finally purchased a new tube of Fixodent Denture Adhesive Cream for my wife and me!
It was good to strengthen our bond.
"I've got ants" "Oh yeah, well I've got taller ants"
"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"
"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"
"I've got... Bread"
"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
If Apple made a car...
...would it have windows?
My daughter saw this joke on YouTube and I thought y’all would appreciate it.
If soft drinks came long, thin, wooden tubes, it would be fantastick.
What do you call a piece of tube-shaped pasta that watched too much anime?
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London tube
He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isn’t talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...
We should definitely make America grate again.
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
In The Matrix, Neo's mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
A duck walked into a drugstore to buy a tube of chapstick. he told the cashier:
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
Isn't the tube that carries sperm from the testicle essentially doing pretty much the same job as the testicle itself?
Nope. There's a vas deferens.
(For those who skipped HS Biology - NSFW)
Dad joke solidarity on the tube today
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
Coffee went down the wrong tube at breakfast.
Hey dad are you alright?
Yeah, but that sure was some strong cough-ee!
DAD!!!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I got my wife with this one...
Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasn’t right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.
Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?
Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?
Wife: Upset? No. Why?
Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.
Got my friend on the tube
Him: "Should we take this way out or that way out?"
Me: "That way out looks way out"
Overheard a family group on the tube...
...wife mentions getting off at Barking.
"That's where all the dogs live."
Goes completely over his young kids head, wife gives him the 'you're an idiot' stare.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What did the tire say to the inner tube?
I got you covered my totally tubular friend.
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