Do you know the hit Ramones song that was originally about inner tubing?
Today I purchased an inexpensive watering tube.
For some reason, my wife gets upset when I say I bought some cheap hose.
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
What do you call a tube you can see things crashing in?
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
What do you call a bunch of people in a car driving through a big tube?
I phone, you tube. We talk.
From all tubed meat I have tasted, this one was really bad.
Make two rectangles out of a diamond using one line
This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".
I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
The headline writer for this article had waited years for this moment. Though it is rumoured his final idea came to him on the tube...
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england…
My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...
It'd make cents off so many levels.
/edit:rephrased punchline
Archimedes was sat around thinking of names for the fluid expulsion tube in the human body. Suddenly, he knew the perfect name, stood up, and shouted-
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
I didn't know test tubes were this colourful.
Suddenly YouTube is recommending me nothing but climate change videos
Praise the YouTube Al-Gore-Rythym
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
I finally purchased a new tube of Fixodent Denture Adhesive Cream for my wife and me!
It was good to strengthen our bond.
What do you call a piece of tube-shaped pasta that watched too much anime?
If soft drinks came long, thin, wooden tubes, it would be fantastick.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
So a blonde girl is deciding to be a videogame Youtuber....
After she makes and edits her video she starts to take pictures of her hands. Her mom walks by seeing this and asks "Why are you taking so many pictures of your thumbs?". The blond girl replies " If you want people to watch your YouTube videos you gotta have great thumbnail pictures."
I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...
We should definitely make America grate again.
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isn’t talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London tube
He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
A duck walked into a drugstore to buy a tube of chapstick. he told the cashier:
"I've got ants" "Oh yeah, well I've got taller ants"
"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"
"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"
"I've got... Bread"
"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"
If Apple made a car...
...would it have windows?
My daughter saw this joke on YouTube and I thought y’all would appreciate it.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Isn't the tube that carries sperm from the testicle essentially doing pretty much the same job as the testicle itself?
Nope. There's a vas deferens.
(For those who skipped HS Biology - NSFW)
In The Matrix, Neo's mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
Dad joke solidarity on the tube today
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
Coffee went down the wrong tube at breakfast.
Hey dad are you alright?
Yeah, but that sure was some strong cough-ee!
DAD!!!
Overheard a family group on the tube...
...wife mentions getting off at Barking.
"That's where all the dogs live."
Goes completely over his young kids head, wife gives him the 'you're an idiot' stare.
What did the tire say to the inner tube?
I got you covered my totally tubular friend.
What’s the advantage to being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
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