It was the wurst.
"URETHRA!"
You get a womb with a view.
It was a vial substance.
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
It was good to strengthen our bond.
Can you put it on my bill?
Catherine.
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
She knew how to carry The One
Arigatoni.
He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes
She still isn’t talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
We should definitely make America grate again.
"just put it on my bill"
Thanks in advance!
Nope. There's a vas deferens.
(For those who skipped HS Biology - NSFW)
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
- The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasn’t right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.
Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?
Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?
Wife: Upset? No. Why?
Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
Me: Hey did you grab a hose this time?
Dad: No. I ain't got time for hose.
There were a few seconds of silence before he cracked a smile.
Hey dad are you alright?
Yeah, but that sure was some strong cough-ee!
DAD!!!
Him: "Should we take this way out or that way out?"
Me: "That way out looks way out"
...wife mentions getting off at Barking. "That's where all the dogs live." Goes completely over his young kids head, wife gives him the 'you're an idiot' stare.
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
I got you covered my totally tubular friend.
What do you call it when you watch scary videos on YouTube?
Bootube.
I said, "but I'm not tubing."
So after high school I wanted to do something interesting, so after a while of thinking I went into plumbing, I've learned about so many sinks and tubes used in sinks, I never thought plumbing could be so faucinating
Me: No. Why?
Him: To get the ketchup out.
Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues
Shamelessly stolen from @techconnectify on Twitter and YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy0tKL1T7wFoYcxCe0xjN6Q)
I've had to tell her over and over that it's not that bad, and that I don't notice much of a vas deferens.
Fallopian Tubes
" I'm gonna start a catheter company and call it WeeTube"
It was the best YouTube content I had seen up to date.
Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
need upvotes pls
Buffet the Vampire Slayer
Not my joke! Citation Needed by Tom Scott on YouTube
What did the toothpaste wear to the club? --A tube top!
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, and I've been crafting a lot more puns than usual. I wish I'd known about this subreddit sooner because I immediately forget them.
The latest was that we were on the Jubilee line on the London tube, and I asked her what Harry Potter's stop would be.
"Jubilee and Magic."
But I sung it to the tune of "do you believe in magic." She hates me.
A tube of smarties
So I went snow tubing with my brother a a week ago. It was raining and my brother was saying how it would be annoying that the tubes would be wet.
"Yeah, that would be... tube-ad."
I then laughed silently to myself for the next 5 minutes.
Greeting punny people, I require your services to name an upcoming show on my YouTube channel.
The show will be about my first impressions on indie games that have been provided to me by developers. I need a humorous name that includes the word "indie" somehow.
Example: I have another show where I cover games over on Itch.io that I call "Scratching The Itch.io".
Thou shalt be credited for the name during the first episode.
my dad had these tubes in his nose, with oxygen when he woke up, and the nurse was around doing medical stuff..
Dad: Is these tubes necessary? can I take them out?
Nurse: I can try turning them off?
nurse is turning the medical ventilator off ...
My dad grasps for air
Nurse jumps in shock turning the ventilator on again and turns to look at my stupid father laughing
Nurse: "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"
My dad was pretty woozy at the time and still he made the practical joke of the year
Haha! ahh I love that old bastard..
This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.
One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.
The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.
He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.
The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"
The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"
The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"
The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"
I installed a new router at our home and of course it is only prudent to rename the SSID to something other than the default. I named it "BasicallyASeriesOfTubes".
Which, when I explained it to the family, I showed them an iPad connected to
>The Internet, which is BasicallyASeriesOfTubes.
She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.
She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.
"I guess that would make it filet MELON."
Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.
…when we hit the meat and dairy section he threw both arms out wide, gesturing to the tubed meat, and asked me, "you ever sausage a place?!"
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Son asked how to spell "Chocolate Rain" because he heard he should watch it on YouTube.
Wife is not internet savvy and has never heard of it. I have to explain the meme, write it down so kid can google it.
Couple of minutes later, Wife says "I really thought that googling 'Chocolate Rain' could make for a real shitstorm!"
So he was blowing into an inflatable floating tube for the swimming pool. Me: "Maybe someone should punch you while you blow into it." Him: "Why?" Me: "So that you can get the wind knocked out of you" Him: Silent stare.
Last night, my wife invited her cousin over the house to hang out, as it was her cousins birthday. About an hour after her cousin showed up, my wife was still sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos.
I told her to stop being anti-social.
Without missing a beat she says "That would make you Uncle Social!"
We were talking about her cat and it went something like this:
Me: Is your cat spayed?
Her: Yep, poor Tubbie (the cat's name) has no uterus.
Me: Really? I thought they would have just tied her tubes instead of giving her a full "Hiss-terectomy"
Her: Groans for days
I am not yet a dad but one day I think I'll be decent at it.
Edit: formatting
When I was a young kid, I'd say "HI!" to my Dad in the morning, and he'd always respond, " 'lo! "
I didn't get it until I was about 11.
===
he would also keep boxes and cardboard tubes (for mailing/keeping large posters/mailers) in his workroom for all kinds of things. When we were cleaning out the room, we found all these cardboard tubes that said "MT" on them. When we opened them up, there was nothing inside. We should have known he had them properly labeled......"MT" = "empty".
So, I work as a content writer/developer/coder/whatevs for an educational publisher, specializing in science. This week, I put in a request to one of our artists for an illustration of a centrifuged blood tube. He did one up and sent it back right away, asking if what he did was alright.
My emailed response?
"These look…
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
…tubular.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--"At work we we have a large fireplace we use to heat the shop in the winter. Occasionally a sign shop down the street gives us some long cardboard tubes (think toilet paper but longer and thicker) that we can burn. It's a win-win situation that gets rid of their garbage and provides us heat for the winter.
Anyways I pick up the tubes and come pulling in the shop with a truck bed full. I start unloading when my boss comes up to help out. Upon seeing the tubes he makes the shaka sign (surfer hand symbol with thumb and pinky out) and says "Tubular".
I physically groaned at this one.
so I put all my socks into an old poster tube. Now all I have are tube socks!
I work in a hospital and part of my job is taking patients from their ward to surgery. I walked up to this old guy who is laying there with all these tubes attached to him and say "Hey buddy, I'm here to take you to theatre". He lifts his head a little and whispers "Really? What movie is playing?"
I wanted to high five the poor guy, it was awesome!
Him: Did you guys see that video on YouTube with the boxer that shit all over the ring after he won?
Us: What?!? No! Where was this?
Him: (straight face) The Westminister dog show.
one of the exibits was showing kids centripital force by them putting a penny or nickel in a slot and watching it roll around a tube and be held against the sides even when it was rolling horizontally. really cool stuff
my dad looks at it and says "man, talk about money down the drain."
If I were to easily kill a fellow with a drinking tube.
My self defense plea would be a straw man argument.
I work as a lab tech in my university, and as I was preparing some bacterial streak plates for some students (mind you, we use an innoculating loop to transfer bacteria from a sample tube to plates), I said to some of the students: "what did one bacteria said to the other? Let's get looped, and go streaking."
I received an uniform look of dissapointment and a couple of facepalms from the students while I giggled at my joke. The teacher loved it though.
Original thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/2qjmz4/dad_gets_his_8_year_old_daughter_a_frozen_doll/
YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWRxtOEqn6o&feature=youtu.be
