My tongue is soo sore right now.
She says "who is it?"
"It's the blind man" comes the response.
Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then".
In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
I’ve never built a bath before, can someone help me with plumbing it in?
They don’t want to get the sheets!
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...
Edit: I thunk up a better punchline.
Don't they carry essential oils?
He is no thief.
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe
But apparently not in this case.
A Shower Head
...but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath...
When I got into the tub, I asked my gf to pour milk into the tub with me. She questioned, "pasteurized?" No honey, just to my waist please.
#1: ooh Oeh ah ah!
#2: oh sorry, is it too hot?
Lady left the Milk Man a note on her empty milk bottles, asking him to come see her before he left.
Milk Man comes by, reads the note, goes up to the lady’s house, knocks on the lady’s door and says, “you wanted to see me?”
Lady says, “yes, I read that taking milk baths is good for your skin, so I’d like for you to bring me enough milk to fill my bathtub, can you do that?”,
Milk Man says, “I sure can, would you like that milk pasteurized?”
Lady says, “no, just up to my nipples would be good”.
Git gud scrub
(Say it out loud)
Bill said: "flobalobalob"
so Ben said: "you dirty b*stard, that stinks"
Too bad he didn’t have the balls to enter the tub
You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic
I caught her in the act
I'm not gonna lye
I just think it fits better in my bathroom
The royal court of Egypt hires a new bath servant for Queen Cleopatra.
The Queen walks into her royal bath chamber disrobes and climbs into her empty bath.
“Please fill my bath with milk”
“Just up to my tits will be fine”
But even then, people wouldn't shower me with compliments
Dad: Did you take a bath?
Dad: Then take it back, we don't need two.
The worst part was getting all the hair off of my tongue.
One of them goes “ooh ooh ooh ah aha ah ah”, the other says “well put some bleeding cold in then!”
She wanted to buy a mirror and asked me for my opinion.. I told her.
"I can see myself buying this "
She groaned , and was worth it..
Dad: no.... Is one missing?
Cashier: "Will this be all for you?"
Dad: "No, this is a gift for my daughter"
I said, "But the slower ones are easier to catch."
So the bub was in the tub and I was giving his scalp a scrub.
Our baby doesn't care too much for people rubbing his scalp so I start singing "No, I don't want no scrub."
My wife walks in and asks me if I am having any luck with clearing up his cradle cap.
"Well honey, things have been going a lot better since I tried a little bit of TLC. "
He was a loofah.
He came at us with a knife! We were scared sheetless.
What's an "up" pillow, you might ask? It's the same as a down alternative pillow!
The first monkey says "ooh ooh aah aah"
The second replies "put some cold in then"
Wife: Will you go upstairs and draw a bath for the baby?
Me: I forgot my pencil.
I brought her a piece of paper and told her I couldn't find a pen.
Dad: Be sure to bring it back when you're done with it.
(Originally my Dad's, now mine...)
Ryan's dad says to the mom, "Ryan wants you to wash his hair."
"Ugh!" she replies, "I'd rather lie in bed."
"I know you would," says dad, "but I'd lather Ry instead."
They call him BathMan
One monkey said "OOO OOO AAH AAH!"
The other said "Why don't you put some more cold water in?"
My wife says to me: "I am going to draw a bath..."
I say to wife: "Are you going to use crayons or markers?"
Wife's love for me proceeds to die just a little...