What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?
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︎ Apr 06 2021
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Watson is the most famous doctor in the world
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My eye doctor told me I have some of the worst vision of any of his clients today
Didn't see that one coming
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︎ Apr 07 2021
When my doctor told me I had a deviated septum, I asked him how different it was from the average.
"Standard deviation", he replied.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
So I went to the doctor because of my constipation
He didn't believe me.
He said I was full of shit
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︎ Mar 27 2021
what did the doctor say to the man with the social media addiction?
I am very sorry sir, I am afraid your condition is not tweetable....
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why was the doctor getting so frustrated?
He kept losing his patients
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
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︎ Mar 10 2021
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby. . .
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Told the doctor that I have this eel that keeps bursting out of my back and crying.
He prescribed me some anti-BackTearyEel lotion to take care of it.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
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︎ Feb 13 2021
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnβt! wouldnβt! couldnβt! didnβt! canβt! The doctor says "don't worry."
βThose are just contractions.β
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︎ Sep 16 2020
The Doctor said I should drink more Scotch
Also, Iβm now calling myself The Doctor
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Doctor: βHow is the boy who swallowed the quarter?β
Nurse: βNo change yetβ
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︎ Feb 11 2021
A man walks into the doctor's office
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.
"Like a glove."
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Why did the chimney go to the doctor?
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︎ Feb 18 2021
What's the similarity between an android user and a doctor ?
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︎ Mar 03 2021
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
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︎ Sep 17 2020
Why is the doctor hot tempered?
because there ainβt any patients
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︎ Mar 17 2021
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks
The doctor told me i was wasting time
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Why was the eye doctor called for the comatose gunshot victim?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples?
Mum now pretty confused: why honey?
Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window
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︎ Mar 06 2021
a lady goes to the doctor and says Iβm addicted to Twitter
the doctor says I donβt follow you
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I went to the doctors because I have a fear of palindromes...
The ba***rd prescribed me Xanax.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
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︎ Jul 22 2020
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
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︎ Jan 15 2021
An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?
βWill my son able to speak again?β
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︎ Feb 08 2021
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
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︎ Jul 01 2020
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....
.....really got the ball rolling.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Doctor to the patient:
- Can you hear better with the hearing aid that I recommended?
- Yes, I can. Thank you very much, doctor. I've already re-written my Will 3 times.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I just went the doctors, turns out Iβm colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
The doctor gave me some suppositories for a headache I've been having.
For all the good they've done me I might as well as shoved them up my arse.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
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︎ Jan 13 2021
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Nov 26 2020
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
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