What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_mash_king
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

πŸ‘︎ 554
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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Watson is the most famous doctor in the world

if not, Who is

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.

Because they dilate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling well.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.

Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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My eye doctor told me I have some of the worst vision of any of his clients today

Didn't see that one coming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Friend: β€œMy doctor said I had to give up playing the drums.” Me: β€œWhy?”

Friend: β€œHe lives in the apartment below me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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When my doctor told me I had a deviated septum, I asked him how different it was from the average.

"Standard deviation", he replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pops-icle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Why did the bird go to the doctor?

He needed a tweetment.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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So I went to the doctor because of my constipation

He didn't believe me. He said I was full of shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinfulBody1998
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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what did the doctor say to the man with the social media addiction?

I am very sorry sir, I am afraid your condition is not tweetable....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eluchel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.

But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Why was the doctor getting so frustrated?

He kept losing his patients

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benjo-drums
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...

Turns out I have stereo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TragedyMaskBand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby. . .

Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...

It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcflds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swarly1999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Told the doctor that I have this eel that keeps bursting out of my back and crying.

He prescribed me some anti-BackTearyEel lotion to take care of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jehannum_505
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

β€œThose are just contractions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.

At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Doctor: β€œHow is the boy who swallowed the quarter?”

Nurse: β€œNo change yet”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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The Doctor said I should drink more Scotch

Also, I’m now calling myself The Doctor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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A man walks into the doctor's office

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Why did the chimney go to the doctor?

Because it had the flue.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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What's the similarity between an android user and a doctor ?

Both hate Apple

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdFit5807
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Why is the doctor hot tempered?

because there ain’t any patients

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."

The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_L_v_e_S
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks

The doctor told me i was wasting time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lighty-Slave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Why was the eye doctor called for the comatose gunshot victim?

He had a Glock coma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drfantabulo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples? Mum now pretty confused: why honey? Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsyPlays
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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a lady goes to the doctor and says I’m addicted to Twitter

the doctor says I don’t follow you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaiddortegaa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, β€œCan you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."

β€œThey’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I went to the doctors because I have a fear of palindromes...

The ba***rd prescribed me Xanax.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepyPastaKing1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?

β€œWill my son able to speak again?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elver-Galarga7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind

The results came completely out of the purple!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....

.....really got the ball rolling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Doctor to the patient:

- Can you hear better with the hearing aid that I recommended?

- Yes, I can. Thank you very much, doctor. I've already re-written my Will 3 times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...

then Who is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....

Because they dilate...

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots3440
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So, I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.

So, I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report

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