Today is the day I can post it
Why did a father who's son was just born today refused a marriage proposal of a father who's daughter was born just the previous day?
He didn't want his son marrying a girl twice his age.
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
I told my son that today was the happiest day of his life
It was the day before his wedding.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
It was really cold in Northern Indiana today so I spent my day huddled in the corner...
It was 90 degrees in there
I just thought of this today as I was driving... I’m sorry in advance 😂 I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...
He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..
.. easier done than said.
It's my b'day today, the big five oh.
As my son have me my 50th birthday card, I said " You know, i would have been happy with one"
😁😆😅🤣😂🙃
8 years redditor today and never posted for my cake day.lets see if the ledgends are true
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth!
(I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the “highlight” of my day
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
Tough day at the muffle centre today...
... you might say it was exhausting 💨
I just thought of this from all the b-day greetings i got in facebook today
Today my wife said "I would love to go to the south of France one day"
I said that would be Nice
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
Today at the store the cashier gave me 2 pennies in change and said have a nice day, don’t spend it all in one place.
I said thanks for your 2 cents.
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.
My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub all day today....
She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table!
Today is the best day of the year!
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna grow it back to you,
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.
We sorted sorta sordid sodas.
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
Today is the worst day of the year
I was buying a pair of shoes the other day when the cashier told me "These are half off today."
"In that case," I replied, "I'll take the left one."
Sad day today, the gentleman who wrote the Hokey Pokey passed away but they couldn't bury him
They put his right arm in , he put his right arm out
they put his left leg in, he put his left leg out..........
Every day at work I write something silly on the dry erase paint 'whiteboard' by my desk and this is today's contribution. [x-post from r/funny]
Today is the last day I work at subway ...
.. and it's a wrap !
(wow I made this one by myself and I'm not even a dad (I hope not at least))
Bring your kids to work day today. So I brought my buoys. Guess I'll show them the ropes of the trade
imgur.com/u1UpGr3
I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
Me: *facepalm*
I had a date yesterday. I have one today. And tomorrow... and the day after...
today is the last day in the 21st century having consecutive prime numbers.
go on, you know you want to party like its 2099
My 5 year old daughter got me with this one today on the way to her first day of school.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
Today is the only day of the year, where the day tells you what to do
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