I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...
He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..
.. easier done than said.
It's my b'day today, the big five oh.
As my son have me my 50th birthday card, I said " You know, i would have been happy with one"
😁😆😅🤣😂🙃
Today is the day that celebrates motherfuckers.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth!
(I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
8 years redditor today and never posted for my cake day.lets see if the ledgends are true
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the “highlight” of my day
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
Tough day at the muffle centre today...
... you might say it was exhausting 💨
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I just thought of this from all the b-day greetings i got in facebook today
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
Today my wife said "I would love to go to the south of France one day"
I said that would be Nice
Today at the store the cashier gave me 2 pennies in change and said have a nice day, don’t spend it all in one place.
I said thanks for your 2 cents.
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.
My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub all day today....
She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table!
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.
We sorted sorta sordid sodas.
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
Today is the best day of the year!
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna grow it back to you,
Today is the worst day of the year
I was buying a pair of shoes the other day when the cashier told me "These are half off today."
"In that case," I replied, "I'll take the left one."
Sad day today, the gentleman who wrote the Hokey Pokey passed away but they couldn't bury him
They put his right arm in , he put his right arm out
they put his left leg in, he put his left leg out..........
Every day at work I write something silly on the dry erase paint 'whiteboard' by my desk and this is today's contribution. [x-post from r/funny]
Today is the last day I work at subway ...
.. and it's a wrap !
(wow I made this one by myself and I'm not even a dad (I hope not at least))
I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
Me: *facepalm*
Bring your kids to work day today. So I brought my buoys. Guess I'll show them the ropes of the trade
imgur.com/u1UpGr3
I had a date yesterday. I have one today. And tomorrow... and the day after...
today is the last day in the 21st century having consecutive prime numbers.
go on, you know you want to party like its 2099
My 5 year old daughter got me with this one today on the way to her first day of school.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year.
[Having breakfast with my folks]
Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."
Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"
Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"
Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"
Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."
Me: "Walked right into that one again.."
Dad: "Same time next year?"
We were crazy busy at work today. Abnormally busy and someone had taken the day off...
So we were short handed. I looked at my boss and said:
"Next time we're going to be short handed, I'll make sure to bring my longer hands."
It was a really stressful day for everyone. I'd like to think her thoughts of how much of an idiot I am at least helped her blow off some steam.
Today is the only day of the year, where the day tells you what to do
Today is the most commanding day of the year....
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