My mates got cross with me for going on and on about how fun it is to drive stick. They suggested changing the subject.

I told them that I would shift as best I could...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/djar399
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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My brother sees me near our tent, putting his E-reader on a pile of sticks.

He yells: "What the hell are you doing, Some_Dumb_Dude?!"

I say: "What's with the tone? You have to use Kindle to make a fire, Right?

'Ba dum tss'

He just sighs. "I hate you."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Some_Dumb_Dude_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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What sticks up when you turn it on?

A light switch

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cjphillips612
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Chicken on a stick is called chicken skewers. Pork on a stick is a pork skewers. What do you call a horse on a stick?

Carousel

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/drumsXgaming
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My dog has been chewing on sticks when let her outside.

Now she barks out of both ends.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loddytoddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I've got a great offer on Pritt Stick for celiacs...

Buy nine glues, get gluten free...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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My friend Robert was going on and on about how great it is to cook food on a stick.

So I just said, โ€œK, Bob.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Every time I enter a room, I write down my name on a piece of paper and stick it behind some furniture.

Thatโ€™s my signature move.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HumusGoose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...

So I drove down the manualbahn instead.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CalmingVisionary
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Some puns I found on popsicle sticks
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/91lightning
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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I tried to beat my own previous time for the hundred meters on a Pogo stick.

I had hopped for a better time.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Dogs like chewing on sticks

Because their mouths are made for barks

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RadRac
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the stick up on the bridge?

I threw it there.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrmcbacon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2013
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You could use a stick to put the chain back on your bike.

That wood work!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Oncidiinae
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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I'm sticking my neck out on this one
๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lams1d
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
๐Ÿ‘︎ 73
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ruchi565
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My mate told me that putting superglue on my rifle was a bad idea, but I'm sticking to my guns
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Eastwind45
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience

The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Deadly_R
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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More and more people are sticking cheese on the tips of their fingers. Jane, who puts Camembert on her index finger, is a casein point.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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My wife was having issues putting a sticky strip on the wall; she swore up and down that it wasnโ€™t sticking because the wall was wet.

I brought over a towel to help her out, but when i got there it was clearly drywall.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yellow3667
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
3 months since I had COVID and Iโ€™ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Permatato
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Cigarettes are like hamsters.

They are perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jo-Sizzle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Dad, how did you know mom was the one?

Well your mothers feet are always freezing and she sticks them on mine when in bed because mine are alway burning up.

I guess you could say we are solemates.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tpinkfloyd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is similar between a cigarette and a hamster?

Theyโ€™re both harmless until you stick it in you mouth and set it on fire.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IvoryBeats
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common?

They're both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/areateen
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, โ€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.โ€

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, โ€œLetโ€™s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.โ€

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnโ€™t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnโ€™t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, โ€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!โ€

Pork Chop replied, โ€œNo way Josรฉ! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!โ€

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, โ€œThen Iโ€™ll huff, and Iโ€™ll puff, and Iโ€™ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!โ€

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottโ€™s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneโ€™s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really donโ€™t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you donโ€™t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you donโ€™t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, โ€Donโ€™t be a fool, stay in school!โ€

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

โ€˜Punโ€™ puns donโ€™t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

Iโ€™ll do algebra. Iโ€™ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Donโ€™t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you donโ€™t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zmanofdoom95
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was a suspicious โ€˜accidentโ€™ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasnโ€™t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldnโ€™t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasnโ€™t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didnโ€™t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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What kind of driver never gets a ticket?

A screwdriver.

Edit: I have tonsillitis and have been living off popsicles with jokes on the sticks.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 267
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lizzybe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Iโ€™m glad to say you wonโ€™t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words โ€œI have a cunning planโ€ marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I donโ€™t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing โ€ฆ

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, itโ€™s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing โ€ฆ until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we โ€ฆ spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is โ€œa case of sour grapesโ€ โ€“ and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! Heโ€™s so exciting, donโ€™t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think heโ€™s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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A breadbox is talking to his fellow margarine stick...

โ€œWhereโ€™s my money?โ€ asked the box.

โ€œIโ€™ll get it to you, donโ€™t worry!โ€ the stick answered, slipping up on his words and having a meltdown.

โ€œWell, you butter get it to me quickly, or youโ€™re toast!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShowPan69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2019
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jon-Osterman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after heโ€™s been processed.

When he gets to the place where heโ€™s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatย he just ran out. โ€œIf you need to shoot just say โ€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'โ€ he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaย where heโ€™s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. โ€œIf you need to stab someone justย go, โ€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'โ€ he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayย to the front where thereโ€™s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, โ€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!โ€ Amazingly, the enemy soldierย drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, โ€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!โ€ They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, Iโ€™ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foeย way off in the distance, he shouts,ย โ€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!โ€ at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazedย adversaryย nextย and goes โ€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!โ€ Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothingย happens. โ€œWhy wont you drop?โ€ the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down andย responds, โ€œTANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lavidius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Some of My Favorites

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch? Attempted murder.

A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the desk to check in. The bellhop walks up and asks if he needs help with his luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Did you hear what happened to the man that was chilled to 0 degrees Kelvin? He was OK.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bale

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zimxur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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My New Years resolution this year is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.

Iโ€™m planning on sticking to it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My New year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.

I'm planning on sticking to it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegasketmaker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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Two potatoes are standing on the street.

How do you know which one is the prostitute? The one that has a stick on it and says Idaho.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Conviction666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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