He had to stand post
to keep him posted
She says she'll keep me posted
But you’d never get it.
You wouldn’t get it
Stick with me and we'll go places.
The perpetrator is believed to be male.
Eh.... you wouldn’t get it.
I told him, "Philately will get you no where".
A few days ago, I was with family and Aunt #1 was showing me a book about antique stamps for collectors and the many thousands of dollars some of them cost. When she talked about her stamp collection, I said "That's a sticky habit."
Aunt #2 groaned and said, "What are you? Uncle R (her husband)?"
A few minutes later, I told her, "It's okay. You can address your resentment of stamp-related puns to me. I'm not afraid. [walking to edge of the room] I can take a licking right here in this corner if I have to! C'mon, go postal on me!"
It’s mail-dominated.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.
Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.
They get really upset.
It'll still be stationery.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
But no one seems to get them.
A stamped bull
Only you can stamp out domestic violets.
I know this might not be the place to post a question but I was wondering if any of you punny peeps can help me out? I got some free stamps and I want to mail a few potatoes out to my relatives. I know this is pretty stupid and a waste of time but I'm laughing at myself just thinking what their reactions and responses will be when they check their mailbox and see a potato. I want to write a potato pun somewhere on the potato. So of you're willing to help me do this; please leave me your potato puns for me to read and decide which ones I'll be using. Thank you for reading.
A Stamp-ede.
I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.
However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.
Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.
She is now a postman.
...it'll always be stationery.
My postman's off to Spain tomorrow for Christmas. I asked him if he was going to Parcelona.
He ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014.
But they just end up being sluggish.
Edit: Don't thank me, the wife laid this one on me just now. I told her was going to post this on reddit, she said we've run out of stamps.
Wife asked me to grab a 9 by 13 pan. I go pick it up and noticed it was stamped 13x9. I point that out and say “I bet it will work”.
Stone faced silence.
A tamp stamp.
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Snow White and the seven dwarves."
...was playing his pipe and all the tomatos in town start to roll out of the gardens and followed the young man.
Near the edge of town, however, the tomatos started to slow down.
The young man looked back, stamped his foot and yelled “catch up”!
One of my co-workers just walked by my office looking for stamp ink. She said, "You don't ever need to stamp anything, do you?"
Without missing a beat, I said, "Just my feet!"
Watching the news with my two roommates. Story on about a woman allegedly offering sexual favors in exchange for food stamps.
Rommate 1: Seriously, selling yourself for food stamps?
Me: Produce-tituion
Roomie 2: facepalms
Roomie 1: Well she wont have to worry about getting any meats at least.
Roomie 2: Double facepalms
Stick with me and we'll go places.
Stick with me and we'll go places.
Stick with me and we'll go places!
...is it still stationary?
