My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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A dad joke on the fly with my buddy

My buddy and I were texting a few days ago. He was complaining about the power at his place being out again (relevant, he’s lost power a few times already this winter season). Our exchange went like this:

Him: How about electricity? Wind storm knocked ours out around noon.

Me: No electricity? That’s not shocking.

I couldn’t help myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/An_Imperfect_Guy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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Convertible pants to shorts really do allow you to change on the fly.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carlbuba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.

. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

β€œNobody puts baby in a coroner”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hank_the_Hand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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A crow flies up to a woman on the street.

Crow: Miss, would you donate to my charity?

Woman: Why should I?

Crow: CAW CAW CAW CAW

Woman: What does that even mean?

Crow: Its four a good caws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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I bet they’re better dancers too πŸ˜‚ a take on the song Pretty Fly for a White Guy. Found outside a local flower/plant shop OC
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShayButter420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
There are two bugs. The fly says to the other one β€œhey bug on my back... are you a mite?”

Bug responds: β€œI mite be.”

Fly: β€œStupidest Pun I Ever Heard”

Bug: β€œWhat do you expect... I made it up on the fly”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doge_the_dogey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
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came up with one on the fly

Hemorrhoids are an enormous pain in the ass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tuatramxo5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
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I thought of this on the fly.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyotter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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I didnt know what to post, so I had to think of something on the fly
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Not planed, done on the fly
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theangrybadger1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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Told my dad I saw two flies screwing on the wall

He turned to me and said "You mean insex?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happymacz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2015
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Made this one up on the fly

Came out of Starbucks with my daughter and asked, "I just bought a frozen chai, but they couldn't get it out of the blender. You know why?"

Her: "No, what happened?"

"Because it was really, really chai!"

Her: "Jeez, Dad. That was bad, even by your standards."

I love my girl. And it's her real-life cakeday!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brentfield
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Dadjoked my wife on the fly...

Watching the Tudors:

Her: what's the difference between a duke and an earl? Me: it's mostly based on order of arrival. Her: what do you mean? Me: well one's earlier...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irishexpatriate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theconnorh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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Why did he fly on the toilet seat leave?

He got pissed off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leftlanecruiser_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wuzupmyhomiz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
🚨︎ report
What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdheath
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
🚨︎ report

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