A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me: "No, car no fly, car go roads"
Manager: "Can I see you in my office?"
Oops, wrong sub
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
copilot: they keep your shirt closed
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
I've been training for this."
Deep down I realized it wasnβt for me.
It was dead.
Oh shit, wrong sub!
He replies βI know, this sub is full of repostsβ
It was a perch.
OP delivers.
In Language Arts did they teach you how to roll your i's?
edit: I'm pretty sure she learned it from her mom.
Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question
My friend: sure, axe your question
Me: Iβm making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?
My friend: sure just put youβre username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in
Me: sweet
Ik this is bad I never make puns also I donβt mind criticism
My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it.
I looked at it and said, βThis isnβt for me.β
So I got trashed.
It's been enlightening
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
I was so much younger then.
He was canned because he could not concentrate!!!!!
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
I said, "No. Every mother fucker is going to be out that day."
It took me a second to register what I said, so I turned to her and smiled. She rolled her eyes.
I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."
"Alright class please stand. Now raise your left leg. Put it back on the ground. Great, everyone may now sit.
Glad we're able to start class on the right foot."
So far I'm really diggin' it.
"Elementary, my dear watts son."
My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. "Can you pick me up an enema or suppository?"
Without skipping a beat, I said "of course- sit tight!"
My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?" I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!" She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved. I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.
My wife and I ate at red lobster last night after our marriage ceremony (we're having a reception in a few weeks when all of our family and friends are actually available).
Well, my wife accidentally choked on whatever she was eating.
After she got done coughing..
> Me: Are you alright?
> Her: Yes. Fine! It just scared me. I'll be back. I'm going to run to the restroom.
> Me: Okey-Dokey-Arti-Chokey!
> Her: groans and rolls eyes
I was confused until she got a few steps away and then I said under my breath
> Me: "heh.. Arti-chokey"
I laughed silently to myself and reminded her of what I said when she got back to the table.
Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)
Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."
Grunts and cringes ensued
How young I looked back then.
He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"
One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, "This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire." I immediately responded, "Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia?" His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me.
(true story from ~30 years ago)
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
I just got a job at a power tool and machinery supply store, on my first day (Thursday) I was hanging out around the cash sorting exacto-knives and one of my coworkers is assisting a customer with the purchase of a drill. They're comparing two drills online, one is $149.99 and the other is $159.99.
Customer: So what is the difference between the two drills?
Me: About ten dollars.
heh. hehehehehe.
A guy drops off a specimen behind me and says this must be a really cool specimen. I turn around and sure enough its in a bag with an ice pack. What a great start to the shift!
Why are giraffes necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
"I was blown away"
"Hello everyone. You can call me 'sir', you can call me 'teacher', just don't call me late for dinner."
http://i.imgur.com/0ETJIwW.jpg
When asking about what name to address him by in class:
Student: "So what can we call you?"
Dad: "You can call me anything...just don't call me late for dinner."
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Deep down, I realized it wasnβt for me.
