A list of puns related to "First Day of My Life"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game
Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.
Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight
Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’
Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)
Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that
Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)
I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)
Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)
It's either pictures of birds or things like these:
"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"
"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)
"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."
"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."
"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."
"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."
"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"
"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."
"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Fish"
"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."
"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.
Just change the mascot to a Potato.
Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."
"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."
My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.
I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?
"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.
We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.
"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"
Many groans were had.
I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.
"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"
And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.
"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"
My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"
He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.
"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"
"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.
So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.
"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"
Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.
"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"
I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"
I tear up instantly.
"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."
My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.
"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.
"I'm Dad"
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
My newborn daughter is currently in the NICU recovering from a heart condition which had caused some respiratory complications. Because of these respiratory complications she had been intubated since birth until just a few days ago which had prevented her from learning how to breast feed. This morning, I told my wife to keep me updated with how things are going as she spent some time with our daughter so that I could get some of life's necessities completed. My wife then sent me a text explaining that the doctors had decided to allow our daughter to breast feed and that our daughter had just "latched" for the first time. I responded, "That's great news! Thanks for keeping me abreast!"
I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls
... keep reading on reddit ➡My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):
These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.
whoosh
whoosh
whoosh
The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."
"The Foo bird?"
"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."
"That's silly."
"Well, that's what the locals say."
The noise gets louder and closer.
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.
"It's huge!"
Suddenly...
SPLAT
All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.
The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."
He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.
The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"
He wipes it off and drops dead.
The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.
A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.
"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."
He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.
He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.
The moral of the story is:
If the Foo shits, wear it.
With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. The following experience was a first for me, and I hope you won't mind my "preaching" to you about it.
As you may know, a few of us have been known to come close to brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".
Well, two days ago Christina and I were out for an evening with friends. We had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. I was feeling jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before in my entire life - I took a cab home. Well, Christina doesn't drive so this seemed the logical option.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police sobriety checkpoint, but since we were in a cab they waved us through and we arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Any advice?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over
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