i lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A lady asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
My First Day As A Pharmacy Cashier...
π︎ 25
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︎ Aug 22 2020
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
First day as a pilot, I asked my co-pilot; βwhat are those buttons for?β
βTo keep your shirt closed.β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
its my first cake day
gonna cut myslef and check if im a cake
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me: "No, car no fly, car go roads"
Manager: "Can I see you in my office?"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
π︎ 778
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day Iβve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. Itβs been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 16 2020
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...
I've been training for this."
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasnβt for me.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Dec 07 2019
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening heβs absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend βWhy I have to change my position every time?β
He replies βI know, this sub is full of repostsβ
π︎ 226
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︎ Aug 10 2019
So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
My son just caught his first fish and sat on the wall all day admiring it!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
I just finished my first day at work with FedEx.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 15 2019
Me and my friends first day as a lumber jack
Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question
My friend: sure, axe your question
Me: Iβm making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?
My friend: sure just put youβre username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in
Me: sweet
Ik this is bad I never make puns also I donβt mind criticism
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 25 2019
Today was my daughter's first day of Junior High so I had to ask...
In Language Arts did they teach you how to roll your i's?
edit: I'm pretty sure she learned it from her mom.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
On my first day as undertaker, I managed to drop the coffin as I was loading it onto the car.
My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Seen on my first day work ing at the post office.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 13 2018
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, βThis isnβt for me.β
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 19 2018
Got my son on the day of his first child's birth
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 23 2016
I was really nervous my first day on the job at a waste management company.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
Just finished the first day of my new job at the electricity company
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 11 2019
I watched my first porn the other day.
I was so much younger then.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 01 2018
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 21 2019
My son was hired and fired from his first job in the same day at the orange jucie factory.
He was canned because he could not concentrate!!!!!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 16 2019
My wife asked me if I want to go out to eat for my first father's day
I said, "No. Every mother fucker is going to be out that day."
It took me a second to register what I said, so I turned to her and smiled. She rolled her eyes.
π︎ 619
π
︎ Jun 17 2016
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 25 2018
My teacher on the first day of school...
"Alright class please stand. Now raise your left leg. Put it back on the ground. Great, everyone may now sit.
Glad we're able to start class on the right foot."
π︎ 797
π
︎ Aug 13 2014
Told My First the Other Day
I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 12 2018
I just finished my first day of excavation training.
So far I'm really diggin' it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 04 2017
If I were to change my last name, I'd change it to Watts. That way, if I ever have a boy of my own, when he asks where he's going on his first day of kindergarten, I get to say...
"Elementary, my dear watts son."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 18 2018
My first joke- the day my daughter was born
My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. "Can you pick me up an enema or suppository?"
Without skipping a beat, I said "of course- sit tight!"
π︎ 123
π
︎ Feb 05 2016
My first child was just a few hours old when i made my very first official dad joke a few days ago.
My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?"
I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!"
She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved.
I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.
π︎ 343
π
︎ May 17 2014
My dad's encouraging words for my first day back to school
π︎ 81
π
︎ Aug 29 2013
Accidental dad-joke on my first day of being married
My wife and I ate at red lobster last night after our marriage ceremony (we're having a reception in a few weeks when all of our family and friends are actually available).
Well, my wife accidentally choked on whatever she was eating.
After she got done coughing..
> Me: Are you alright?
> Her: Yes. Fine! It just scared me. I'll be back. I'm going to run to the restroom.
> Me: Okey-Dokey-Arti-Chokey!
> Her: groans and rolls eyes
I was confused until she got a few steps away and then I said under my breath
> Me: "heh.. Arti-chokey"
I laughed silently to myself and reminded her of what I said when she got back to the table.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 08 2015
I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.
Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)
Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back."
Me- "What periods do you have him?"
Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period."
Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."
Grunts and cringes ensued
π︎ 30
π
︎ Sep 05 2014
I watched my first porno the other day. Do you know what surprised me the most?
How young I looked back then.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 03 2016
In honor of Baseball opening day, here is what my father asked me every year after the first day of little league.
He would ask me, "so what position are you playing, left out?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 02 2016
The day I (first) one-upped my dad's joke:
One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, "This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire." I immediately responded, "Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia?" His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me.
(true story from ~30 years ago)
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 09 2016
My 5 year old daughter got me with this one today on the way to her first day of school.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 01 2016
Got my new workplace pretty good on the first day
I just got a job at a power tool and machinery supply store, on my first day (Thursday) I was hanging out around the cash sorting exacto-knives and one of my coworkers is assisting a customer with the purchase of a drill. They're comparing two drills online, one is $149.99 and the other is $159.99.
Customer: So what is the difference between the two drills?
Me: About ten dollars.
heh. hehehehehe.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 19 2015
Working in a lab on my first day
A guy drops off a specimen behind me and says this must be a really cool specimen. I turn around and sure enough its in a bag with an ice pack. What a great start to the shift!
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 26 2015
My first day here. I'm a 3rd grade teacher and a father. Here is my favorite dad joke.
Why are giraffes necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 15 2013
Just got my wife and son with this beauty "I watched gone with the wind for the first time the other day"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 04 2015
My dad was a teacher and I was in his class one year. This is how he introduced himself on the first day.
"Hello everyone. You can call me 'sir', you can call me 'teacher', just don't call me late for dinner."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 22 2015
My dad's response to all the "first day of school" pictures last week.
http://i.imgur.com/0ETJIwW.jpg
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 31 2014
My dad's go to joke as a teacher on the first day
When asking about what name to address him by in class:
Student: "So what can we call you?"
Dad: "You can call me anything...just don't call me late for dinner."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 27 2014
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
π︎ 112
π
︎ May 28 2020
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
π︎ 115
π
︎ May 04 2020
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
my first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for?
copilot: they keep your shirt closed
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 28 2019
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasnβt for me.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
Got home from my new job at the morgue. Wife asked how my first day was.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2019
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