Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoiceofLou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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This is a mos-cow
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimssen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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The new Double Wookie Burger at the Mos Eisley Cantina is a disappointment.

It’s two Chewie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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Mo Bamba #5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FloridaFan24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Someone in the MO State Senate should introduce business-friendly legislation and call it the "Missouri Loves Companies" Bill.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frostmage82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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8-mo Daughter: "Nana. Na na na. Nanananana"

Son replies: "Why you so salty?"

Raising them right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zigmata
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Guess it belongs here
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetSeagul
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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Field Dressing

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said β€œlooks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh πŸ˜†!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ty_diesel_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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What did Aang tell the sand benders after they muzzled his flying bison?

You better Appa-logize right now or else!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuanOrKamek
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Dress Code
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udipadhikari
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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How do you call a Russian cow?

A Mos-cow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MR_TRUMP_Vincent2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Why was one backpack cooler than the other backpack?

Because it was mo-chilla

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lboogie19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Domino's bikes fell over like...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danii_nickii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Finally...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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Def Leopard imgur.com/M4G6rzr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezusManForReal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Last night, my girlfriend told me I'm very attractive and she's a lucky lady.

I told her if I'm attractive then she's a moLUCKular lady.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker0812
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What drink does a frog order at the bar?

A mo-squito...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/discostuu72
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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What do you call a fly on diet?

Mos-keto

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πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Bee careful. One of them bytes.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

Presidentures

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danwright32
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Monet and the Nose

A painting by Claude Monet was recently discovered. It's an illustration of a man's nose. The museum decided to title it Mon Nez

Explanation :

Mon and nez are respectively French for my and nose. If one pronounces mon and nez correctly, and rapidly, it sounds a bit like Monet (mo-nénè)

Edit: I made an error with the accents; chose aigu (Γ©) instead of grave (Γ¨)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadfastDrifter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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Texted my daughter's boyfriend to meet me and he dad joked me back.

Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.

It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Fire eaters are attracted to their stunts...

... like moUths to a flame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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Top Secret
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wehopeuchoke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Salt Lake City is concerned that too many teens are rebelling by going "Goth"

Mormon Emo Problems

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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What do you call a rant from the chosen one?

An heir vent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshers2005
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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" - My mom had 4 kids"

" - Eenie, Meenie, Miney, and Fred." " - What about Moe?" "- Oh, she don't want no mo'.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenericNormality
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I used to think that motels were just better hotels

because there was mo of it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Coonster13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Why did they make Moana?

Because Disney made Frozen about Elsa and then they thought, "We need mo' Anna."

Edit: Just a Dad on here trying to sharpen his punchlines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T-RadDad49
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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I tried to make a post in /r/guns...

But it got shot down

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
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Fantastic pun from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

They were discussing an advent calendar which had angered people because the part of Baby Jesus was played by a sausage.

One of the panelists, I think Mo Rocca, quipped that people were frank-incensed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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(US version) Why do companies like AT&T and Verizon do well?

They cell phones.

(Uk version) Why do companies like EE and O2 ban women called Maureen’s from stores?

Because MO BUY ALL (mobile) phones.

I work in a phone shop so I may have found these funnier than I should have

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
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When we die not knowing French well...

... Nous mo(u)rons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tiiwitaawi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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I earned myself an eye-rolling from the waitress this morning.

I went to a diner called Mo's Egg House to grab some breakfast with some friends. We ended up ordering two eggs benedicts and two eggs florentine.

The waitress said "Wow, you guys are easy." To which I replied "overeasy."

Everyone hates me now. I love it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
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How did the wise king of the cats bring peace to his warring kingdom?

He said: "Me-oww. You-oww. We-oww... NoMoOwe"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marlinspike
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
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A friend got me with this one yesterday.

Walking past a store called Lester's..

Friend: you know why they don't build any of these stores anymore?

Me: no, why?

Friend: because they don't want mo'lesters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WilsonK907
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2015
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The recent post about the "Quackopotamous" reminded me...

When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.

Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.

"Dad, what're those?" I inquired

"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"

And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monroeshton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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My friend got me good while discussing OChem homework.

http://imgur.com/MoL8R2d

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_RESINator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
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Caller ID

phone starts ringing, says its a telemarketer from "MO"

me: Dad, MO is Montana, right?

Dad: No, its Missouri.

Me: Why MO? Nobody notices the "O" in Missouri.

Dad: There's a lot of other states that start with an "M".

Me: What about MR? What does that one stand for?

...then my dad looks at me and smiles and says "Mister"... I rolled my eyes and went back to my room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnbornValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Dieting fly..

Mos-keto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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