I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like my critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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"Length times width times height. Pi times r-squared times h. Four-thirds times pi times r-cubed."

This really speaks volumes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darth_Ranga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
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As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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How do elves measure their height?

In Santa-meters!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I got kicked out of the park for lining squirrels up by height...

They said I was too critter-sizing

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmellyRapscallion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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How does one’s height affect their sleep?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beccah42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Did you know ants which have a little more height, don't have toes?

Because they lack toes in taller ants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pranav1326
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...

Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Rachel McAdams' height is 5'4, which is the average height of an american female.

She's a mean girl.

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noinks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Why does every pothead want to be 5'8" in height?

Then they literally 4'20"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOhMyPancakes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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What's the height of stupidity?

2 bald men fighting over a comb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.

It’s called the Redundant-Sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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"Stop making fun of my height."

I'm sorry. I didn't know you had such a short temper.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miggitman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Patient goes to the doctor to talk about his crippling fear of heights.

Doctor: looking over the patients information Looks like you've gone from 5'10 to 5-

Patient: Starts screaming

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Heights
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cat-Kun
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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My narcissistic friend met a girl his height who also thinks only of herself...

They're on the same "I" level!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?

The steaks were too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VNPimpinella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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When making a talking point, always multiply length by width by height...

...it speaks volumes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Afraid of heights

Plumbers are afraid of heights because they fear plunging to their death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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I'm reaching new heights with my puns imgur.com/APzd9We
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πŸ‘€︎ u/State_Farm_Jake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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Daughter:I have a fear of heights....

Son: I suffer from a fear of clowns

Mother: My fear is of dying

Dad: Italian gangsters-thats Mafia

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently, as people have been making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrowerNotAShower2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Why do short people hate jokes about their height ?

Because it just go over their head...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godofbob2
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. "Dad, can I borrow you for a minute?"

"Sure, as long as you give me back"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinie_Snipah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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If I owned a roofing company, and interviewed an applicant with a fear of heights.....

......I wouldn't "higher" them......

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
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I'm not afraid of heights

It's the ground I'm suspicious of.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niggynagga4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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Someone asked me if I knew anything about Sumeria. I said it’s height times width.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowManyMonkeys
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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My teenage son is very short for his age and is built like a midget, and recently he's been very depressed about his height.

It didn't help matters when I suggested he talk to a therapist about his low elf-esteem.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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What do you call a bird that is afraid of heights?

A chicken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValarDohairis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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I'm no longer afraid to say what I really think of roller coaster height requirements.

I've had it up to here.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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Why are drug addicts afraid of heights?

They're too high.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimensionsstudio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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What insect becomes more accepting as it gains height?

A taller ant

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxGhenis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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r/puns can you help me out with one on height?

I'm texting a friend and made a joke about his height which he responded with "that's a low blow". I wanted to make a snappy comeback with something along the lines of "I guess you could say it was a _________" but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you can help out? :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iHateTexting
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2013
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I was talking to my dad about my height...

Today I was talking to my dad about my height and he said "Well you do have quite big genes!" and I replied "I have to, otherwise my legs wouldn't fit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/upsidedownie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
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How do pirates measure their height?

In yaards.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/macrolinx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2016
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Height.

Wanted to give a big shout out today to...my legs!! Without you legs, I feel like I'd be at least two feet shorter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/margraves
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
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Height

Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he?

Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poi830
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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He's reaching new heights

Me: "I sometimes look up at my school's ceiling and wonder how it gets dirty"

Dad: "I guess it's not their top priority...heh get it? Top!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirr250631
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
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My SO's terrified of heights and we were rock climbing...

I told her, "I got you honey, I won't let you down".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggieLomein
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
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My mother defending her height

My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eeeper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/18021982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn't like me critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskeyChugger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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