I got into trouble at the park today - people told me to stop arranging the squirrels in order of height
I guess they were critter-sizing me
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didnβt like my critter sizing.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
How do elves measure their height?
π︎ 34
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Did you know ants which have a little more height, don't have toes?
Because they lack toes in taller ants.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
π︎ 221
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
How does oneβs height affect their sleep?
Taller people sleep longer in bed.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...
Apparently they just canβt take a little critter-sizing!
π︎ 26
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Rachel McAdams' height is 5'4, which is the average height of an american female.
π︎ 182
π
︎ Jan 16 2020
What's the height of stupidity?
2 bald men fighting over a comb
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 18 2020
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
Itβs called the Redundant-Sea.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
Why does every pothead want to be 5'8" in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
π︎ 173
π
︎ Feb 10 2019
"Stop making fun of my height."
I'm sorry. I didn't know you had such a short temper.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 19 2019
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
π︎ 37
π
︎ Oct 09 2018
Patient goes to the doctor to talk about his crippling fear of heights.
Doctor: looking over the patients information Looks like you've gone from 5'10 to 5-
Patient: Starts screaming
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?
The steaks were too high.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 19 2019
When making a talking point, always multiply length by width by height...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
My narcissistic friend met a girl his height who also thinks only of herself...
They're on the same "I" level!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 02 2019
Heights
π︎ 44
π
︎ Oct 15 2018
Afraid of heights
Plumbers are afraid of heights because they fear plunging to their death.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 16 2019
Daughter:I have a fear of heights....
Son: I suffer from a fear of clowns
Mother: My fear is of dying
Dad: Italian gangsters-thats Mafia
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 06 2019
The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet
That's a little gnome fact
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 10 2019
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently, as people have been making comments about her height
So when she gets home from work, iβve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and Iβm going to run her a nice hot sink
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 01 2019
Why do short people hate jokes about their height ?
Because it just go over their head...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 15 2019
π︎ 381
π
︎ Jul 09 2016
My teenage son is very short for his age and is built like a midget, and recently he's been very depressed about his height.
It didn't help matters when I suggested he talk to a therapist about his low elf-esteem.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
I'm not afraid of heights
It's the ground I'm suspicious of.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 06 2019
Someone asked me if I knew anything about Sumeria. I said itβs height times width.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 09 2018
Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. "Dad, can I borrow you for a minute?"
"Sure, as long as you give me back"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 12 2014
I'm no longer afraid to say what I really think of roller coaster height requirements.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 12 2018
If I owned a roofing company, and interviewed an applicant with a fear of heights.....
......I wouldn't "higher" them......
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jun 22 2015
Why are drug addicts afraid of heights?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 12 2018
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 29 2018
What do you call a bird that is afraid of heights?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 21 2017
What insect becomes more accepting as it gains height?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jun 29 2015
I was talking to my dad about my height...
Today I was talking to my dad about my height and he said "Well you do have quite big genes!" and I replied "I have to, otherwise my legs wouldn't fit."
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 02 2015
r/puns can you help me out with one on height?
I'm texting a friend and made a joke about his height which he responded with "that's a low blow". I wanted to make a snappy comeback with something along the lines of "I guess you could say it was a _________" but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you can help out? :)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 15 2013
How do pirates measure their height?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 07 2016
Height.
Wanted to give a big shout out today to...my legs!! Without you legs, I feel like I'd be at least two feet shorter.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 02 2015
Height
Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he?
Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 25 2014
He's reaching new heights
Me: "I sometimes look up at my school's ceiling and wonder how it gets dirty"
Dad: "I guess it's not their top priority...heh get it? Top!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 19 2014
My SO's terrified of heights and we were rock climbing...
I told her, "I got you honey, I won't let you down".
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 10 2015
My mother defending her height
My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 24 2014
I got kicked out of the park for lining squirrels up by height...
They said I was too critter-sizing
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didnβt like me critter sizing.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
