I told a joke with a pun and she said that it took 5 years off her life. I responded with, "time flies when you're having pun!"
I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
What do you call the act of an Italian having sex with pasta?
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
A cabbage, a tomato, and a nose were having a race.
The cabbage was ahead, the nose was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Is there a vast difference between having a vasectomy and not having one?
Yes, there's a vas deferens.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
Time flies when you're having fun
Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
I'm having frequent pains lately.
I got banned from Hawaii for having a loud laugh
All they accept is a low ha
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
I've been having an affair with my wife's siamese twin.
We're doing it behind her front.
A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..
.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.
What did the pregnant LGBTQ buffalo hope she was having?
My wife said these cows are having a threesome. I said, "Wow! A moo-nage a trois!"
A sheep farmer was having a bad day..
The sheep were all “baaa” then another would reply “baaa” and another “baaa” and on an on “baaa”
Finally the farmer bursts out:
“All right, all right, I herd you!!”
Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?
“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.
I was replaying Wind Waker recently after having binged BNHA, and the idea popped into my head.
I’m sick of having great little ideas all the time, I think I have...
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.
So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”
The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”
The first man says “What?”
The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”
I didn't think I would enjoy having longer hair.
But I gotta say it's growing on me.
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?
A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...
Three old ladies were having a picnic when the following conversation took place.
First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy?
Second lady: I thought it was Thursday.
Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.
My dentist is having a sale today...
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
I hate having to explain myself...
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
Why are peeping Toms are having a difficult time with the pandemic?
Because it’s very hard for them to lurk from home.
It was so painful having to put my pet dog down today.
I might have to get my back checked out.
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately started having a sneezing fit
That's the last time I buy achoo toy.
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
I was having dinner with two Pastors once.
I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"
(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
