Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck
but afterwards, I never looked back.
Crows are very intelligent birds, they even go out for drinks from time to time.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
A boy leaned over to steal a kiss from his girl, but she was leaning over to steal a kiss at the same time.
They both made out like bandits.
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.
If I had a Delorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
An homage to a one-time teen star suspended from the Muppet*Vision ceiling, Disney World
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
Time to switch from Scott Paper to Scott ...
Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.
During these uncertain times I prefer to stay away from automobile dealerships.
Before you know it you have car-owner virus.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
TIL: In ancient times, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska, but failed.
They just couldn’t get their Bering Strait.
From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times...
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
Walking away from clocks is my favorite way to pass the time
A nun might put a towel on her head from time to time.
But she wouldn't make a habit of it.
A friend and I went to Mcdonalds. They have these new digital machines you order from. I had my friend order a mc-chicken at the counter at the same time I ordered an egg McMuffin at the machine.
I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.
From time to time, I have the urge to make a joke about the table of known elements...
It's just something I must do periodically.
Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?
The prince was unbearable.
You know, this just happens from time to time!
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.
They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said “you know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctor”
A man was downsized from his job for the third time in 2 years so he decided to take up horse breeding.
He heard it was a stable job.
Heres one i get coworkers with from time to time..
Me: Hey, they’re stopping all the buses outside!
Coworker: What! Why?
Me: To let the people get off and on.
My dad has told this one a hundred times and it still brings him to tears from laughter
So there was a high school dance and at that dance there was a boy with a wooden eye and a girl with a hair lip. The boy walks over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. "Oh would I!", she says. He responds saying, "shut up hair lip!"
Trying to get milk from a male cow would be an UDDER waste of time.
Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell....
...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"
Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, had a long-time extramarital affair with Senator William Borah. They had an illegitimate daughter together, Paulina Longworth, who Alice referred to as "Aurora Borah Alice" [from /r/todayilearned]
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali…
Dad used to drop this one from time to time
My truck has a passenger side airbag, but only when your Mom is riding with me.
Why'd they ask the mushroom to the party? (Heard from my dad a million times)
Because he was a fungi!!
Why'd the ask him to leave?
Because there wasn't mushroom!
One time on a road trip from Texas to New Mexico
Just as we were crossing the border, I look over and see a train crossing the border at the same time as us.
Me: "So if a train is leaving Texas and entering New Mexico, what state is it in?"
Dad: "A state of confusion."
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
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