A quote from my dad: β€œso you’re going to the doctors... but that’s actually the perfect time to go to the dentist... 2:30.... because tooth hurty *poses* dad jokes!”

Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smoopie6
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck

but afterwards, I never looked back.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xholdsteadyx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Crows are very intelligent birds, they even go out for drinks from time to time.

It's called the crowbar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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A boy leaned over to steal a kiss from his girl, but she was leaning over to steal a kiss at the same time.

They both made out like bandits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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β€œFrom time to time....”
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TyRoland06
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.

They pared up nicely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
From sunrise to sunset, I couldn't remember the name for a 24 hour time period. I finally did.

Then I called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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An homage to a one-time teen star suspended from the Muppet*Vision ceiling, Disney World
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Time to switch from Scott Paper to Scott ...

Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RooibosCeleryTea
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlakthusDisko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Accomplished_Owl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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During these uncertain times I prefer to stay away from automobile dealerships.

Before you know it you have car-owner virus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If I had a Delorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theholmesian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, β€œOh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”

I told him, β€œTurn right at the next corner.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: In ancient times, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska, but failed.

They just couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times...

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BZW77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A nun might put a towel on her head from time to time.

But she wouldn't make a habit of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saelethil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Walking away from clocks is my favorite way to pass the time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLovableMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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A friend and I went to Mcdonalds. They have these new digital machines you order from. I had my friend order a mc-chicken at the counter at the same time I ordered an egg McMuffin at the machine.

I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dank_chair_memes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
From time to time, I have the urge to make a joke about the table of known elements...

It's just something I must do periodically.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a catholic church for the first time in years. The priest kept fielding questions from the large congregation, so I shouted out...

"Stop mass debating".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

It’s my car pet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keksyz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.

They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slartibartfastBB
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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You know, this just happens from time to time!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HammerT1m3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.

I really hated that reception.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said β€œI’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said β€œyou know what?...

Maybe you should be a better doctor”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aexolthum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A man was downsized from his job for the third time in 2 years so he decided to take up horse breeding.

He heard it was a stable job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/batj00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Heres one i get coworkers with from time to time..

Me: Hey, they’re stopping all the buses outside! Coworker: What! Why? Me: To let the people get off and on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bitPete
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad has told this one a hundred times and it still brings him to tears from laughter

So there was a high school dance and at that dance there was a boy with a wooden eye and a girl with a hair lip. The boy walks over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. "Oh would I!", she says. He responds saying, "shut up hair lip!"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llamalord421
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Trying to get milk from a male cow would be an UDDER waste of time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flynn_The_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell....

...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, had a long-time extramarital affair with Senator William Borah. They had an illegitimate daughter together, Paulina Longworth, who Alice referred to as "Aurora Borah Alice" [from /r/todayilearned] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilvikstrom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad used to drop this one from time to time

My truck has a passenger side airbag, but only when your Mom is riding with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsdrivingmenuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Why'd they ask the mushroom to the party? (Heard from my dad a million times)

Because he was a fungi!!

Why'd the ask him to leave?

Because there wasn't mushroom!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustASillyGirl13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
🚨︎ report
One time on a road trip from Texas to New Mexico

Just as we were crossing the border, I look over and see a train crossing the border at the same time as us.

Me: "So if a train is leaving Texas and entering New Mexico, what state is it in?"

Dad: "A state of confusion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteelyDanzig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had a delorean, I'd only drive it from time to time.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/okidli1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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