My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.
They're always dropping the ball.
I expect a reaction from you all.
I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madrid…
It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.
Absolutely nobody expects it
I didn’t expect to laugh at these, but they have groan on me.
You would expect A Queue to go in order
but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p
What starts with a CO ends with a CK and hurts when you don’t expect it?
Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention.
They call it the Enter prize
He should expect a long sentence.
My wife has come.to expect my dad jokes, but she didn't see this one coming.
I have an Xterra that I affectionately call Alexis.
"With all the off road stuff on the Xterra, I think it needs a more butch sounding name."
"Like what?"
"Liam."
"Liam?! You can't just change her name like that."
"Yeah, Liam Nissan."
I thought her eyes were going to fall out she rolled them so hard.
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?
I just don't think that's fare.
Yesterday, my mom didn’t expect that my dad’s new year’s resolution was to stop looking at other women’s breasts.
I guess hindsight is 2020
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Where would you least expect an inconvenience?
My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...
but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away
Don't expect good manners from a rude Frenchman.
My girlfriend's parents probably expect to be grandparents after this one
My girlfriend's mom was opening her Christmas gift when her sister asks why the wrapping paper says "Snow time" on it since there is no snow this Christmas.
I immediately come back with,
"Because there is snow time like the present!"
Next year, I’ll expect my vision to improve drastically.
A scaly creature is not acting the way you'd expect.
When you order spicy chicken wings, you expect them to be spicy.
Yes, else they would be mildly disappointing.
What words would you expect to hear coming from the tit of a cow?
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
If you expect me to force you to stay on top of a ladder you’ll always be disappointed
I’ll let you down every time
There used to be a lot of nazis, now there are fuhrer, I bet you did nazi that coming, but what did jew expect?
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
My father speaks mostly Spanish so would never expect to be able to contribute to this subreddit, but my dad finally dropped one in the car today with my mom:
(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)
Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.
Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!
I don't understand why people expect me to remember what fraternity or sorority they're in. It's all Greek to me
This Valentines Day, I expect to be inundated.
Sorry. I meant in. Undated.
What did the math teacher expect from his students?
Their undivided attention
The Lion King is a deeper movie than you'd expect...
... watch closely, there's so much simbalism.
I couldn't expect any less from my dad
So I'm getting a tattoo done of my dog's paw print and his name.
I messaged my dad telling him it's today and he replies back with.
"Paws to consider what you're about to do."
I audibly groaned
Every fondue night in our house we can expect this gem.
When some people say Fon don't, I say fondue.
I'm staying with my folks for about a month, so expect a few of these.
My sister had just come back from a tropical holiday and was returning a garment to my mom.
Sister: "Oh mom, I brought your sarong back."
Dad: "What's sarong with it?"
Knee slaps all around.
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