An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and asks for his change.
The man behind the counter says, "No, change must come from within".
Two goldfish are in a tank. One leans over to the other and asks...
“Do you even know how to drive this thing?”
My neighbour came over to ask if I'd help him drain pasta at the weekend.
I told him I'd have to check my colander.
When she ask what I have accomplished over the years. ⤵️
My friends sometime ask me why I yell at them all the time over instant message about this amazing new business opportunity I’m involved in that I’m really excited about! They also ask me if maybe if shift key on my keyboard is broken.
But I reply “NO I AM A CAPITALIST”
A ribeye looks over at the spiky hammer, and asks the cube steak, "What's that?"
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A wolf, a fox and a weasel all go to a diner. The waitress comes over and asks them what they want to drink. “Coffee” growls the wolf. “Water” says the fox...
And “Pop!” goes the weasel.
A commercial asks, "Are you over acne?"
Well, my comeback to that is, whether you are so over it or not, it is certainly all over you.
Body shop asks the snail why he wants S’s painted all over his automobile
Snail says “so when I drive by people will say look at that s car go!”
Woman asks why 20,000 Bees swarm over her car...
"I did ask 'why pick on my car?' but my husband, who is a bit of a joker, said it was because of all the Bee Gees CDs in the car."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-40252990
When I ask my dad to move over
I walk into my living room where my dad is laying down, taking up the whole couch.
Me: "Dad, could you move a little?"
Dad: "Sure." wiggles his foot
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My neighbor just asked what I do with “left over” bacon.
I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but I’ve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, “Because I am feeling light headed.”
The wife was asking for recognition over the labours she endured for me, in order to give me my two kids...
So I thanked her for her cervix.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many”
Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
I kept asking my dad over and over what scales are used for
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Asked my GF why she chose this salad over the drum and bass salad, she wants to disown me.
I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."
And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over."
I wonder how many times before they airlock me.
I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, “Is it over?”, to which I replied,
“Yep, that’s all she wrote!”
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, "do ya wanna box for that?"
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. “That’s easy”, he replied...
Two little boys were at a wedding. One leaned over and asked "How many wives can a man have?"
The other answered "16. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer"
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I tripped and fell down the steps this morning. My son comes running over asking "Daddy, are you alright?"
I said "No, son. I'm half left."
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
A cousin of mine is in charge of distribution for this big pickle company; he was freaking out over the weekend after sending only miniature pickle chips to a restaurant that asked for full sized ones..
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
My Son asked me if I had any regrets over the really expensive neck brace I bought...
Can honestly say I've never looked back
A snail went to a car dealership and bought the flashiest, fasted, most eye-catching car they had. The snail then special ordered “S”s to be printed all over the car. The salesman asked why all the “S”s, the snail replied:
When people watch me drive by they’ll say “Look at that S-car-go”
(A joke my dad told me many many years ago)
Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson".
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
After the lecture was over, I asked my physics professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
The guy at the tuxedo store was hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
I lost my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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