π︎ 149
π
︎ May 03 2020
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
π︎ 255
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What did the tectonic plate say after bumping into another tectonic plate?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What does the plumber say to their child after lecturing them?
ππ¦π΅ π΅π©π’π΅ π΄πͺπ―π¬ πͺπ―...
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
after the accident, he was never the same
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
After Orville and Wilburβs first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
βAre you all Wright?!β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
What does a robot do after sex?
π︎ 137
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
What does pizza become after you eat it?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
After your uncles wife commits arson
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?
π︎ 185
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
(9 year old daughter tells me) What does a Dalmatian say after it eats dinner?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Policeman taking a witness statement from the waiter after a shooting at a vegan bar..
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter?
Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley.
P: Parsley?
W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
How did Luke Skywalker feel after he peed inside the stormtrooper outfit?
π︎ 69
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
What do you call a radio after it blows up
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
After a regrettable brain transplant, he turned around to his wife and said:
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
What do you call a cow after an abortion?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Where do astronauts go to unwind after a hard day's work?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
What is Cardi Bβs name after she went to the gym?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Just remembered a classic my brother-in-law dropped after my niece was born (A couple months ago)
My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
What did the greek cheese say after being rid of its mold?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
My audience said they were cold after my dad jokes...
I told them to stand in the corner, those are usually 90Β°
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered
No one crosses me and lives
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
My friend died after eating rotten spaghetti.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Why did people die after they ate Cheerios?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What did the monster say to his son after he hadnβt seen him for years?
βMy how you gruesomeβ
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
What did the surgeon say after a successful hip surgery?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
After hearing me sing my music teacher suggested I should be a tenor.....
Tenor twelve feet away from earshot.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
After she cancelled several dates with me, I told my crush she should start dating wheelchair-bound menβ¦
because sheβs really good at standing guys up.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
What did the farmerβs wife say to him after he hotboxed the stable?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
π︎ 82
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
π︎ 175
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.
At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
What did God say after performing the immaculate conception?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.
He was protesting against violins in schools.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why Iβm not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
βYou just havenβt been cutting it lately.β
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I had to have my pet centipede put to sleep this week, after he lost 84 of his limbs.
The vet said, he was on his last legs.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
After years of trying, a woman tells her husband she is pregnant.
The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."
π︎ 38
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
What did may say to March after being accused
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble
Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"
Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
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