The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Women should not have babies after 40.
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
What happens to elements after they die?
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
What's the day after Thanksgiving?
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
i am deaf on both ears after working at the metal factory
I guess heavy metal is not good for my ears
I heard somebody died after reading a book
They were sentenced to death
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her bath. She then got mad at me!!
Some people are so ungrateful. I used an entire pencil adding details to it and everything :(
[Just thought of this. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.]
A serial killer was after me
we were both running for my life
I had a terrible dream where I was being chased by a female horse after sunset.
After eating da ship, da sea monster said, Me can’t believe Me ate da hull fing.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
A son went to the stockyards to buy a cow for his father. After a furious bidding round, he finally bought one....
However, after handing over his cash, he was only left with 10 cents. He didn't have enough money to catch a bus home. So he went to the telegram office. He asked the lady how much it was to send a telegram home. 10 cents a word she said.
Well, what one word could he send home to his father to explain the situation?
"Comfortable"
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?
“In my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
What did the Turkey say after its leg got bitten off
I got a sore throat after eating some Christmas decorations.
I had to get my tinsels taken out.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.”
..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.
Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday
Even the Calendar says W T F
The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs. After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds...
...they will be subma-weiners.
why do children have trouble looking at their parents after a gender change?
Because parents become Trans-parent
My friend Jay recently had twins, and want to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
It was a twerk place injury
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
Took an airline company to court today after my luggage went missing
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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