While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
after the accident, he was never the same
How did Luke Skywalker feel after he peed inside the stormtrooper outfit?
What did the greek cheese say after being rid of its mold?
What is Cardi B’s name after she went to the gym?
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
What did God say after performing the immaculate conception?
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?
Because what he made was stolen!
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it.”
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
What did the royal taster say after drinking the poisoned water?
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
After getting my first vaccine I asked the nurse what super power do I get, but she just looked straight through me.
Looks like I might have invisibility!
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Why did Julius Caesar, after having an epileptic fit, during the time he was a hostage of pirates, immediately need a dictionary?
As Caesar's seizure ceased at sea, he said "I'm sleepy" and grabbed some zzz's.
What does a worker at the Irish sperm bank say after you are finished?
Did you know the giant crab from Moana changed his name to Tamatoa after he got shiny?
After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: “why isn’t the dishwasher running!?”
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
After we awoke, my wife told me to put the dark roast on.
I told her that burning meat was a sin. When I came to she had moooooved out.
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
What did the friend say after his brother asked what will happen after he gets his glasses?
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8!
After a Viagra salesman died from the effects of the drug, the company gifted his family a casket of a new, high-end material.
They call it mourning wood.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
William Shatner, Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, is said to be extremely disappointed after the collapse of his recently launched women’s underwear business...
Apparently, nobody was interested in buying ‘Shatner Panties’.
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
What comes after the USA?
After hours of trying, I finally got the lid off a can
What did the Jeeps say after crashing into each other?
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
After getting the first shot I'm really not looking forward to the second.
9mm bullets hurt like hell.
What did the Italian immigrant say to the priest after he gave him a sanctuary at the church?
After mathematicians wondered for many years about the rational numbers, they realised there's more!
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
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