Accipitridae Puns

My father wears wingtips to the office,
shadows fish under the wide sweep
of his lapels. There are twenty four
species of hawk-like birds that breed
in America, from the buteos
to the accipiters, eagles to kites,
some as small as robins.

The osprey has spines on its feet.
I’m well fed. I take pulp from his throat.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/pafxv4/natures_indifference/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/p8kkx7/apocalypse_now/

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

They were cooked in Greece.

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

Lure Mimicry- predator mimics vital resources

“Accipitridae pueri might easily be glorified. Curled up to look small and frail, its wings resemble expensive clothing (often adorned with jewellery from prior victims) and its cries sound like whimpers of fear. Human predators sensing easy prey quickly find the tables turned- although any idea of ‘justice’ fades on seeing the fate of those good Samaritans unlucky enough to hear its cries.”

Sexual Signal Mimicry- predator mimics mating behaviour.

“Despite many poetic descriptions of succubi and sirens, the real Tarsiidae venus in no way resembles a beautiful woman. Seen clearly, its odd proportion, distorted features, fleshy “clothing” and near-random speech make it visibly inhuman. But, of course, that’s not where it hunts. In a nightclub, under strobe lights and pounding music, to an observer 5 shots in? It passes well enough to feed.”

Mimesis- predator mimics a harmless or easily overlooked part of the environment

“Panthera stragulum’s extreme flexibility and shiny black skin provide a very different kind of camouflage from the forests and savannahs of its brethren. Mimicking a pile of garbage, it is sedate and patient, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Luckily for it, those same parts of the city where trash may be ignored for weeks are often the same parts where people ignore screaming.”

Mutualistic mimicry- predator mimics a symbiotic or helpful species.

“As well as the standard worker, soldier and queen, Bathyergidae proditor has a unique ‘lure’ role. Their catlike mewing will rarely get more than a smile from adults. But a child might run off to pet the kitty. While usually a guardian will intervene, not all are fast or attentive enough. And even a single toddler has enough meat to feed the hive for months.”

Brood Parasitism- predator’s offspring mimic host offspring

“A terrifying exemplar of evolution’s ingenuity, Platycryptus miraculum’s glowing body echoes stories of angels. It moves through certain areas, inclining it to hosts likely to consider a mysterious pregnancy a miracle, to oppose abortion and mistrust doctors, and to want a home birth. As well as safety, this means the family will likely crowd around the mother during ‘birth’- providing the swarm an easy meal when the eggs finally hatch.”

Prey Mimicry- predator mimics a member of the prey species

“Like T. venus, Inachus tibicines doesn’t significantly resemble a 10 year old in a rain