Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldn’t find anyone at fault in the accident.
I only have my shelf to blame.
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
My friend Tarra died yesterday after overdosing on herbs.
I can’t believe Tarragon.
Yesterday, my friend was called an octopus cube.
You can probably guess he was aghast.
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, and walked into a bar.
We were having breakfast yesterday, and dad suddenly threw a slinky at my head.
He said, “Spring is in the air!”
I took my car for a service yesterday morning.
The pastor told me to get out, as I was blocking the aisle.
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”
He said, “Nope. Still have two.”
My doctor asked me why I missed my appointment yesterday?
I entered a house yesterday...
and one of the furniture was very nice to me. It turned out to be hospitable.
Yesterday I saw a Rolex ad
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
I wore a credit card costume yesterday, I think I'll wear it today
I aced my drug test yesterday at work.
Nobody got higher than me.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Yesterday I saw three Mexicans in my backyard
I had to tell them to go away because they were tres passing
i tried to eat a clock yesterday.
It was quite time consuming.
Jewel thief with worlds worst stutter was jailed for 10 years yesterday...
A police spokesperson says it may take him up to 11 years to finish his sentence.
Yesterday, I saw a group of trees sign a paper
Overdosed on Viagra yesterday.
The man who took my diary died in an accident yesterday..
At this dificult situation, my thoughts are with his family.
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
I was arrested yesterday after neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdink records all night
Police released me, let me go!
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
I broke a key off my keyboard yesterday...
I met a microbiologist yesterday...
He was bigger than I imagined.
Yesterday I was washing the car with my son.
He said, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I was eating watermelon yesterday
It was the best watermelon I've ever had in my life! What a melon!
I drank some tea with a Koala Bear yesterday.
I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder
I got a little behind in my work
My 8 year son old came up with this yesterday
You know what an eight year old would be most sad about if he or she lost their pinky?
Not being able to make pinky promises.
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
I was at the store yesterday and some dude threw a jug of milk at my head
My poker cards yesterday were so shitty
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift
That's why it's called PRESENT.
I knocked my son's tooth out with a hatchet yesterday.
Yesterday I met a scary sausage salesman
It was a wurst case scenario
I bought some really expensive, bendable rulers yesterday
I guess they were very flexy
Hmmmmmmmmm, I finally had Shawarma yesterday.
Our neighbor was attacked by mimes yesterday
They did unspeakable things
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
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