the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Thank you and have a nice day.
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
They proposed some sweeping changes.
It's very important to make sure that one always has a trash can at one's disposal.
My house is full of light switches!
Wife: First: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant,I’m dad.
Wife: second: no you’re not.
He HEARD an AMBER alert!!
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
He said, "It's either a boy or a girl"
http://38.media.tumblr.com/055169703b8f2b5a2b1ffaec989317b9/tumblr_mhuqfugVOB1rk8wxdo1_400.gif
I guess some people just wish they were privy to how it was named.
Every regular shift has to be certified to use CPR in case of an emergency, and there was an announcement about a class on the announcements, but it was phrased in a weird way.
"If you need CPR, please sign up at the front desk."
Well I can't really sign up as I'm very near death right now.
Friend: "Awesome guest announcement for a Melbourne convention. He voiced Mojo Jojo in the Powerpuff Girls and Ghostface"
Me: "I have no idea who or what Ghostface is"
Friend: "Scream"
Me: "I did, and I still have no idea who Ghostface is"
Fast 10 Your Seat Belts.
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
They’re going to call it the iAye
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.
He disappeared without a tres.
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Massively Multiprayer Online
WHO let the dogs out.
Bernie.
Finnish Him!
It’s a play on words.
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Mozzarella, she's italian
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
Then I realized they’re just common taters.
People should not cough near you. They should cough far from you. If you hear anyone near cough, be sure to immediately address the situation by firmly telling them to far cough.
(Edit- not mine. Saw it online and had to share. All credit to whomever came up with it)
since he is good at catching snitches
It’s called the David Lee Roth.
Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.
However, I recommend avoiding it, people will be lined up for blocks.
Though I'm being told that's not how I should announce my wife's pregnancy.
A Chocolate Declaire
They followed the guidance religiously.
She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.
The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".
*HMV is a music shop.
Friend: Who?
Me: The who
Friend: Who?
Me: SIGH
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL
He said she would be really good at stump speeches.
I have fortitude.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
An announcement
Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."
It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.
However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.
When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.
Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,
“Look! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”
It was my longest running joke of the year.
He disappeared without a tres.
It’s a running joke.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
