Speculation Puns

"Boys, I need a moment alone".

He would then go into a small, broken path into the woods. Non dared to follow and risk incurring his wrath. Consequently speculations flowed as plentifully as wine, some saying that he had a stash of hidden treasure, some beliveing that he was searching for a witch doctor. Many went to the location when the captain wasn't there, but found nothing. Finally a day came, when one crew member, either inflated by a false sense of bravado after a particularly succesful raid or just drunk beyond his senses, decided to follow the captain. The crew member, Edwin had made up his mind. He stealthily followed the drunk captain, careful to keep out of sight.

The captain followed the path, for a few minutes but suddenly, at a big stone, deviated from it. Edwin could feel the anticipation rise. He was so close to finally solving the mystery. He followed slowly behind and found himself in a clearing. The first thing he noticed was a large gravestone. The writing on it had been completely eroded and he could not make out any words. Wondering if this was someone the captain paid respects too, he tried to inch closer to get a better look. He could make out the captain's silhouette, facing away from him, into the brush. He was crawling forward when he heard a light pitter patter. In his confusion, forgetting that he wasn't supposed to be there he blurted out "Captain, are you urinating?" The captain slowly turned around, lightly startled. "Oh, Hello Edwin." The captain followed Edwins gaze and looked at the gravestone. He nodded solemnly. "Arr, I Pee"

But I can only speculate because he was an absent-tea father.

My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. "What's this?" she asked.

Ever the dad, of course I answered, "It's a box..."

She rolled her eyes and said, "No, Dad, what's it from?" But it didn't end there.

She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day.

Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail "hint" in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying.

Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, "Here, read the sticker."

She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, "BOX, Made in China."

I said, "See? I was right." She threw the box at me.

Driving home with the whole family in the car, and there is a duckling crossing the road in front of us. My mom, who is driving, swerves and says, "I think I hit him." After a few seconds of speculation, my dad replies, "Well that whole experience was fowl."

Happy fathers' day dad.

To properly organize it, my family had to start discussing what day my grandma's funeral would be before she actually died. My dad cautioned our speculation with "don't put the cart before the hearse."