They proposed some sweeping changes.
It's very important to make sure that one always has a trash can at one's disposal.
Now I'm fine with arithmetic and algebra but geometry is where I draw the line.
My house is full of light switches!
He HEARD an AMBER alert!!
Wife: First: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant,I’m dad.
Wife: second: no you’re not.
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
He said, "It's either a boy or a girl"
http://38.media.tumblr.com/055169703b8f2b5a2b1ffaec989317b9/tumblr_mhuqfugVOB1rk8wxdo1_400.gif
I guess some people just wish they were privy to how it was named.
Every regular shift has to be certified to use CPR in case of an emergency, and there was an announcement about a class on the announcements, but it was phrased in a weird way.
"If you need CPR, please sign up at the front desk."
Well I can't really sign up as I'm very near death right now.
Friend: "Awesome guest announcement for a Melbourne convention. He voiced Mojo Jojo in the Powerpuff Girls and Ghostface"
Me: "I have no idea who or what Ghostface is"
Friend: "Scream"
Me: "I did, and I still have no idea who Ghostface is"
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
"How will you spell Linda with no L?"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.
However, I recommend avoiding it, people will be lined up for blocks.
A Chocolate Declaire
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL
He said she would be really good at stump speeches.
They followed the guidance religiously.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Friend: Who?
Me: The who
Friend: Who?
Me: SIGH
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."
"Imma firin Malaysia!"
I have fortitude.
"This one goes out to all the P-P-Js"
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.
The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
It's called "fast 10: your seatbelts".
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was. After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be "knock knock...."
He was a commentator
An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.
Spiderman is sent to Australia to combat a new deadly villian and is being called "Spiderman Home and Away"
Will be on a Twosday
They say it's offishial.
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
It’ll be known as the Qatari 2600
Just a little extra and it could be a grand stand!
It’s now classified as an in-continent
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well...
One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds.
After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing.
But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil.
Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths.
The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst...
The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair.
Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world.
Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles.
Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Now that's what I call a...
.
.
Wait for it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
meatier shower."
She just doesn’t have the balls anymore
Although, their Corona has better PR announcements than Mexico’s
I really should have seen it coming. All the signs were there.
I felt so touched
They told me it’s because I’m just a common-tater.
(Told by my father-in-law)
I guess he’s just Biden his time
While it's cooking, the sign reads "suns out, buns out."
We are very sorry to announce that Saint Patrick’s Day has been cancelled this year due to COVID-19. We are doing our best to keep the leprechauns in quarantine but as you know, they are very tricky and do not like feeling trapped. Everyone please stay safe.
In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.
“Okay guys, I need to be Frank with you”
Jk
Please take mine.
Looking forward to new ads with Vin D-cell.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The iKia!!!!
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players. Thanks in advance.
"Jesus of Nazareth will return."
Announcer 1: did that puck just hit a penguin on the bench?
Announcer 2: no... I think it hit a player.
"The opposite of a douche bag"
Thanks, dad.
50% less poems and love songs.
Or is he Biden his time?
However, it was a melancholy baby.
(Credit to Calvin & Hobbes).
But when he finally went on air, he died.
He got so angry at us, he puled his hare out.
"...but I don't like to point fingers."
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
-
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
-
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
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July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
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July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
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August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
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August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
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August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
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August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
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September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
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September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
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October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
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October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
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October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
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October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
- Took a bo
“Or forever hold your pee!”
And in the left corner, paper weight champion of the world....
That's a terrible name.
He was a little hoarse!
Update: I’m very sad to announce that he has been diagnosed with hay fever. Please send him your best wishes for a speedy recovery.
To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.
Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.
It was ... a FishAnt
Purple Reign.
I hear the service is going to be out of this world.
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/aurora-station-luxury-space-hotel/index.html
The pitcher winds up... and Heathrows the ball!
I don’t know if I missed a post announcing them or something, but I noticed the new mods were chosen for this sub and added! I would like to say welcome from all of us at r/dadjokes to u/ phreephorm u/anarousedcatfish u/cutek9 u/yayoletsgo u/suitinguncle620 and u/blank-cheque Welcome to the team and we look forward to having y’all.
I've finally kicked the habit.
It will be called the boo-bee.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
It’s a running joke.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. Now we know WHO let the dogs out.
It's my longest running joke this year.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
