Johnson and Johnson have announced their new vaccine
it heard its going to be called No More Tiers
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.
It’ll now just be called the T.
I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced “‘twas the knife before Christmas!”
So, they have just announced the tenth Fast and Furious movie...
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
Santa Claus announced that he’s giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
The Rock announced that he, his wife, and their 2 daughters have recovered from Covid.
They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
The Catholic Church announced it is creating an MMO
Massively Multiprayer Online
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.
The parents that started the wildfire with their gender reveal party announced what they will name their baby.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
FBI has just announced about a mole on their organization. They are consulting Harry Potter about the situation
since he is good at catching snitches
Fidelity just announced a retirement plan for Rock ‘n Rollers
It’s called the David Lee Roth.
Stores are reopening after lockdown, and the Lego store has announced its reopening.
However, I recommend avoiding it, people will be lined up for blocks.
Churches had to disband when it was announced there would be no more mass gatherings.
They followed the guidance religiously.
The W.H.O just announced COVID-19 is now a pandemic.
Friend: Who?
Me: The who
Friend: Who?
Me: SIGH
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
VP Joe Biden announced he has hired a female amputee speech writer.
He said she would be really good at stump speeches.
Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.
Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."
Universal just announced the name of the next fast and furious movie!
It's called "fast 10: your seatbelts".
They've announced the plot for the third spiderman movie!
Spiderman is sent to Australia to combat a new deadly villian and is being called "Spiderman Home and Away"
Apple just announced a $999 Mac Pro Stand!
Just a little extra and it could be a grand stand!
Qatar has been announced as the hosts for the Olympics 581 years from now.
It’ll be known as the Qatari 2600
Why hasn’t Joe announced his run for president yet?
I guess he’s just Biden his time
When Joe Biden announced that he was running for President
President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.
In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent
Jackie Chan recently announced that they have received the surgery to transition from male to female. Though, despite this, the most shocking part of this interview was her saying she will no longer be doing her own stunts.
She just doesn’t have the balls anymore
Rowling has just announced a new Harry Potter book
A green-energy bakery just announced their new sun-baked bread.
While it's cooking, the sign reads "suns out, buns out."
US just announced they want to put the first woman on the moon...
I was watching a documentary about Jesus when the host announced that they are having a commercial break.
"Jesus of Nazareth will return."
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
NASA has finally announced what would have happened to the earth if the moon wasn't present.
50% less poems and love songs.
I announced to my family, "Certain people in this house have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves..."
"...but I don't like to point fingers."
Driving in the car and my Dad has suddenly just announced ‘my nickname is Spider-Man. Not because I have any special powers, it’s because I can’t get out of the bath’.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos..." POOF!!
He disappeared without a tres.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot get Covid-19 and should be released from quarantine.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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