I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
A pirate with a ship’s wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help but ask about it.
The pirate replies, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.
I thought it was a safe bet.
Dad: What’s the best way to affix a mask to your face? Me: I don’t know.
So proud of my daughter! We’re watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: “Dog can’t hang because she’s a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:
Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too
This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.
My wife made me watch a bunch of movies from the early 1900’s that I didn’t like.
I had to suffer in silents.
Thor’s brother once walked into a bar, but the bartender didn’t notice....
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...
reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
There’s a reason I don’t speak with the Taliban any more.
A guy walks into a coffee shop, goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?” The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”
The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”
The barista shakes her head.
“A mocha?”
She shakes her head again.
“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”
She shakes her head.
“An affogato?”
She shakes her head.
The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”
The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.
The barista grabs it too.
They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.
The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”
The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
It’s a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory won’t happen. After all, I’m sure the strategy would have...
What’s the difference between a man in a suit on a bicycle and and man in shorts and a T-shirt on a unicycle?
I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes “guess you could say it’s forked”
My friend 3D printed the letters S A T U R D A Y and S U N D A Y, and then threw those at me with maximum force.
I couldn't get up. I was completely weekend by it.
They’re building a park down the street from me that’s supposed to be done soon but they don’t have any playground equipment, trees, nothing.
They have a lot on their hands.
What’s a good name for “The Wizard of Oz” when it doesn’t stay the same throughout?
I don’t know why the Hulk doesn’t have more bandages. He’s essentially a giant bruce.
For my son’s birthday, I got him a copy of “The Lord of the Rings”, but he wasn’t too happy.
He thought it was a Tolkien gesture.
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
My friend’s girlfriend wrote “Will you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.
Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.
for the 4th of july, here's a little known america fact: did you know that as the national bird, there’s a whole list of things that you can’t do to an eagle under federal law?
obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?
but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle
Talking about the S.A.T.s
"I have the option to take the S.A.T.s without an essay."
"How do you do the S.A.T.'s without an SA."
Someone at the party didn't know what a s'more was.
It's the opposite of a s'less.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel? That can’t be very comfortable.”
The pirate replies, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
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