A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
Did you hear disney is announcing a new princess?
Mozzarella, she's italian
I got annoyed because the russet potatoes were announcing everything I did.
Then I realized they’re just common taters.
My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
What did the CEO say when announcing layoffs at the Southeast Asian division?
Help I'm announcing a high school soccer banquet tonight and need some dad jokes
Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players. Thanks in advance.
What would the director of British Airways say if he was announcing a baseball game?
The pitcher winds up... and Heathrows the ball!
My wife grabbed my butt this morning as she went out the door announcing, "I'll be back, I'm going to check the mail."
"I think you already did!" I replied.
Does it count if my little kids didn't get it?
My Mom loves birthday parties but hates announcing her age.
For about 3 years it has been my moms 39th birthday, so my dads response was buying a huge banner that said "Happy 3rd annual 39th birthday"
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.
It’ll now just be called the T.
I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced “‘twas the knife before Christmas!”
So, they have just announced the tenth Fast and Furious movie...
Santa Claus announced that he’s giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
The Rock announced that he, his wife, and their 2 daughters have recovered from Covid.
They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
The Catholic Church announced it is creating an MMO
Massively Multiprayer Online
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.
Public Service Announcement: In order to meet the energy budget for 2020....
the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Thank you and have a nice day.
The parents that started the wildfire with their gender reveal party announced what they will name their baby.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
While playing Mortal Kombat in Sweden, what does the announcer say at the end of a fight?
Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
Announcement In Bar
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)
She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.
The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales"
I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".
*HMV is a music shop.
FBI has just announced about a mole on their organization. They are consulting Harry Potter about the situation
since he is good at catching snitches
Vulture Problems (and apologies to Kansas)
The Prince of the vultures had always been a rebel, but he surprised everyone when he announced he was going to be a vegetarian. And nobody expected this to divide the vulture kingdom, with nearly half the vultures supporting the Prince's choice. Tempers flared, and civil war was brewing when the Prince burst into the King's chambers.
"Father," he cried, "I never meant to cause this. I'll do anything you say to reunite the kingdom. Please, Father, what should I eat?"
The King set a plate of roadkill in front of the Prince, and said "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done."
Fidelity just announced a retirement plan for Rock ‘n Rollers
It’s called the David Lee Roth.
There has been some good news today as a plus-size clairvoyant announces they are releasing a charity calendar, with pictures of them in their underwear.
Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.
Stores are reopening after lockdown, and the Lego store has announced its reopening.
However, I recommend avoiding it, people will be lined up for blocks.
What do you call a pastry that announces its own position on a subject?
Churches had to disband when it was announced there would be no more mass gatherings.
They followed the guidance religiously.
The W.H.O just announced COVID-19 is now a pandemic.
Friend: Who?
Me: The who
Friend: Who?
Me: SIGH
Did you hear the announcement from the Janitors' Union?
They proposed some sweeping changes.
I knocked up my ex-girlfriend.
Though I'm being told that's not how I should announce my wife's pregnancy.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
Garbage Public Service Announcement
It's very important to make sure that one always has a trash can at one's disposal.
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
What do you call a potato announcer
What does the announcer for the Miners Soccer League say when someone scores?
VP Joe Biden announced he has hired a female amputee speech writer.
He said she would be really good at stump speeches.
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos..." POOF!!
He disappeared without a tres.
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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