Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"
Wife: "It's sunny outside"
Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."
What do you call a notification reindeer?
I just got a notification telling me that I needed to update my phone.
So I told it that I recently lost my job and I'm seeing this new woman.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Dad Joke in the family Christmas gift exchange notification email
> Here is the list of who buys for whom in the gift exchange.
>
> The rules are: Spend $50, no gift cards. (If you think $50 is too much then make it two $25 gifts.)
>
> PS: If you want to spend more on me I would understand.
My friend told me he was Jewish.
I was like, “No way!” And he was like, “Yahweh.”
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...
Son actually calls an ambulance.
Dad dies of disappointment.
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock struck midnight...
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
"Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks.
He replies, "They had avocados!"
What kind of insect is hard to understand?
A Mumble-bee.
I work in the Garden Center at a DIY store and this joke is the best I can come up with ATM lol.
I had a dream that I was a muffler
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathers topless in her backyard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
What do Spanish people call musical chairs?
Probably one of the deepest books you will ever read
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting too many trees ?
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
An accountant was under review at his firm
He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.
He was fired for gross misrepresentation.
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.
Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."
Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish".
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
What do you call the border of Finland ?
What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair?
When you don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out...
What do you call a turtle missing one leg?
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
What did one dog say to the other?
If you want to be wise with your money, don't buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
My girlfriend complained about her period.
I told her she was ovary-acting.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
My dad's answer to everything was alcohol...
He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles.
Hey, have you ever done archery blindfolded?
You really should. You don't know what you're missing...
I guarantee you there is nobody in the world smarter than me.
Or my name isn't Hugh Briss.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
Why did that blind man walk into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Toasters,
were the first form of pop-up notifications
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM and the clock struck midnight
I thought, “same shit, different day”.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
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