While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.

It was very tense.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuddlemath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian πŸ˜‚πŸβ€οΈπŸ§‘πŸ€πŸ’—
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Where's my present?
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
One of Santa’s biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents

He’s Claus-trophobic

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nekronous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?

Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).

(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/talin342
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.

I said I would triangle back to that question later on.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...

It’s a gift

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckySPWN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?

The rest were not E

πŸ‘︎ 201
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/veknilero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

πŸ‘︎ 607
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.

Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."

Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?

They're too knotty.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.

It's a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/r0b3rt1c0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum kit.

Nobody can beat that....

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Michismelody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/svncactus117
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain

Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?

Subordinate clause

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawsonator85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the best house warming present?

A radiator.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I present to you...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djnipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
They really PRESENTED these jokes
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StickyBoygg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How do toads open presents?

They ribbit.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...

So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.

"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"

She wasn't as amused as I was.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream

I can't wait to rub it in

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quantum_waffles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents

Because they are in the noughties list.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewrmshin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....

....based on what their parents income is.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?

Boxing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hercxjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: But you are the lawyer? Me: Then where’s my present?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbedlamp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Swimming with sharks sure is expensive...

It cost me an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyndawwquil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Dig a hole in me tonight
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 352
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum β€” you can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What is always wrapped up in the present ?

A gift

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skyhighjams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite music?

Rap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hercxjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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