While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian ππβ€οΈπ§‘π€π
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
Where's my present?
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
One of Santaβs biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?
Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).
(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.
I said I would triangle back to that question later on.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Iβm excellent at wrapping presents...
π︎ 74
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
π︎ 201
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
π︎ 607
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 08 2020
Whatβs the best present you can gift?
A broken drum kit.
Nobody can beat that....
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
What is the best house warming present?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
I present to you...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
They really PRESENTED these jokes
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
How do toads open presents?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
My weird talent is always being able to tell whatβs in a wrapped present.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...
So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.
"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"
She wasn't as amused as I was.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....
....based on what their parents income is.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Whatβs a Christmas presentβs favorite sport?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Iβm not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are the lawyer?
Me: Then whereβs my present?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Swimming with sharks sure is expensive...
It cost me an arm and a leg
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Dig a hole in me tonight
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
π︎ 352
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just canβt beat it!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Whatβs the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum β you canβt beat it!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
The past, present and future walk into a room.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
Whatβs a Christmas presentβs favorite music?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
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