Itβs a real gallery of the fine warts.
Eet's a gouda show!
The Joy Division song was in turn named after a novel by J. G. Ballard. This makes 'The Atrocity Exhibition' the book the song the album is named after is named after.
It's called the Fresh Prints of Bel Air.
...they must have received a CΓ©zanne desist
I guess that's a wrap then.
"Its bread in captivity"
Remains to be seen
Wife: "Look, they used to treat pain with willow bark".
Me: "I'll give that one 3 stars".
Wife: "This one is about the invention of antibiotics".
Me: "I'll give it 8 out of 10".
Wife: "Apparently, they used give people cowpox to protect them from smallpox".
Me: "Definitely 2 thumbs up".
Wife: "Why do you keep doing that?".
Me: "I'm the curator of this museum"!
(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)
Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.
The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.
On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.
The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...
"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.
"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"
Badum tssss! Β―_(γ)_/Β―
Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.
He was exhibiting bad brie-havior
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Two bee fair, it was alright.
it was apparent they couldnβt find the otters, when I walked up and said βthere must be either one or three of them in there.β Wife says βwhy not two?β I reply, βwell, they wouldnβt put an even number of ODDERS in there!β
Wife is still shaking her head.
She really loved the moosaics.
Edit: moosaics instead of mosaics
I want me Mummy!
I came up with this lame joke myself, not sure if it counts as a dad joke... but most dad jokes are lame, and it's a lame joke, so... yeah!
I wish he wouldnβt be so hippo-critical
They're going to have a bunch of flex seals on their hands.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘
It was panda-monium.
I guess you could say that tea wrecks.
It was a shih tzu.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away!
"They must cost a lot of Monet!"
Itβs fastenating really.
They just weren't worth a dam.
It was a shih tzu.
It's a hippopotamust
12 year old son: "Did you know Venus is the hottest planet in the solar system?"
Me: "Did you know Venus is the only planet whose name rhymes with 'penis'?"
The best part was my wife and kids trying to stifle their embarrassed laughter around the museum visitors. :)
Next week the museum I work at begins a three-week run of what we call Bubblefest. There will be bubbles everywhere, a bubble laser show, all kinds of exhibits and interactive shows explaining some of the science involved with bubbles. So I need some jokes and puns to replace the old standby of "my pop is bigger than your pop!"
We were at an exhibition, and there was an Army Ambulance with a practice dummy on a trolley hanging out the back. He turned to me and said
.
.
.
Look, Plastic Surgery!
It wasnβt very impressive. They had a bunch of exhibits but they were all basically empty and the only animal I found in the place was a dog. I think it was a shitzu
My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
It's a shih tzu
